And Keeghan makes 6

2012-01-07T18:03:00.001-05:00

2011-11-06T20:39:00.001-05:00

Trick or Treat!

Speech and sleep

2011-11-05T18:37:00.000-04:00

I met with Keeghan's speech therapist to chat about the stuttering thing. She gave me some strategies...a lot of them things I was already doing. The stuttering is happening at school more too so that's the focus of her speech sessions. We are getting "homework" to do, working on smooth speech, trying to let Keeghan know that everyone will get their turn to speak so there is no need to rush, and also trying not to make a big deal of the whole thing. Keeghan doesn't seem to notice she is stuttering so we don't want it to become a focus and have it worsen. If Keeghan is having a particularly hard time getting out what she wants to say I will tell her to take a deep breath, talk quietly, and slowly and that seems to help. We are also making an effort to be sure when it's "her turn" to talk that we are paying attention and responding. Sitting here thinking about things now, I think maybe it's a bit better. Keeghan LOVES to talk (though plenty of people who have met her would tell you she's really quiet) especially to me. She asks questions constantly and will sometimes rephrase a question 2 or 3 times to make sure she is understanding. She also knows when you are not listening or understanding her and that is NOT ok. This kid knows how to get your attention and keep it (pretty sure that's a behaviour she developed in the orphanage...and heck it serves her well as she's one of 4 kids) and will talk my ear off sometimes.

Unfortunately, some of those times are in the middle of the night. After moving Keeghan to her big girl bed we had some trouble with her getting out of bed in the middle of the night (we've found her playing video games at 1 or 2am more than once). We used positive reinforcement (stickers) for staying in bed all night and staying there until "there's a 6 on the clock" (yes, K's an early morning kid and will sometimes get out of bed at 5am). BUT, being a smart kid, Keeghan figured out staying in bed means just that and as long as she stays in bed she can yell to me at 3am. So, plenty of nights I am beckoned "ma ma....ma ma....ma ma" to fix blankets or because she doesn't want to sleep or whatever. We've been home almost 3 years. I'm over the not sleeping thing. I am perfectly happy to help if she's not feeling well or has a nightmare or needs me, but getting up at 1 or 2 or 3am to "fix my blankets" is getting to be a problem. I'm not sure that Keeghan understands the difference between an "emergency" that is ok to wake me up for and just waking me up to wake me up. So, we spend lots of time together in the middle of the night and then I can't go back to sleep and then I'm overtired and cranky...and you get the idea. So, sleep is still a challenge.

And to add to that we had a crazy snowstorm last week that knocked out power for 6 days. No heat, no hot water, no lights, no stove, nothing. We are very lucky to have some awesome friends who let us all but move into their house (they have a generator) for the week. BUT that meant Keeghan was all out of sorts. School was close 4 days. We were not home except to sleep and then there wasn't the regular nightlight or sound machine and there were layers of pj's and blankets to keep warm. It was a tough week and it's showing a bit for Keeghan. Sleep was very much a challenge and her behaviour has been a bit off since. Overall, though, I think Keeghan handled it well and seems to be getting back to normal...but tonight we change the clocks so I'm sure that will throw a curve ball into everything!

2011-11-04T02:20:00.000-04:00

My strong little girl pulled that wagon full of pumpkins

It's National Adoption Month

2011-11-03T14:23:00.000-04:00

I think you all know I think adoption is pretty cool. Biology is cool too fyi...but almost everyone tries that out. People think growing your family means getting pregnant...not always the case. Plenty of people pick the adoption route. I think, though, that unless you know someone who's gone through this and is will to share their story, adoption is a scary idea. It makes sense. That's one of the reasons I decided to blog about our journey of growing our family and I talk about adoption as much as I do. There are on the idea of 150million orphans in this world and everyone of those kids deserves a family. I Everyone who wants to add to their family should think about adoption. I'm not saying it's for everyone to try...heck there are plenty of people in this world should not parent never mind adopt. But, if you're thinking about parenting, think about adoption and if you have questions or want more info...ask. I'm happy to share many parts of our story and happy to talk about the challenges we've faced as well. Just don't go asking how much my child cost or tell me how lucky she is cause then I might go off on you.

2011-11-03T06:54:00.000-04:00

A trip to the pumpkin patch

2011-09-14T16:52:00.000-04:00

First day of school!

So frustrated...

2011-09-12T13:23:00.000-04:00

Keeghan has been really frustrating me lately. I'm not a patient person, I'll freely admit that. Never have been, never will be. Parenting a toddler/pre-schooler at 40 is very different than parenting three of them at 30. I am much more patient with Keeghan. Lately, however, I find myself snapping more and more and I couldn't figure it out at first, but now I've keyed into it. The lack of sleep is most certainly an issue. It's frustrating but we have been doing that to some degree since coming home. It's Keeghan's speech. We had her evaluated for early intervention services a couple months after coming home and she qualified. She still had a delay once she hit 3 and therefore has qualified for services through our local elementary school. Awesome. The beginning of this year, however, Keeghan started stuttering. At first I thought maybe it was just a phase. A burst in development that was making her stutter. I left it alone and figured it would pass. Come April I started to get worried and mentioned it to her pre-school teacher and the speech pathologist. They said they weren't really seeing it at school, but that Keeghan also wasn't talking much at school so that might have been it. Come the end of the school year, the stutter was still there and we talked about it at Keeghan's IEP meeting. We wrote it into her IEP for this fall and I was told not to worry and just to ignore it. All great advice.

BUT the stuttering seems to be getting worse. Keeghan can't seem to get through a sentence in one try. It's not always the first word or a specific sound. I have to stop whatever I am doing to listen to her and understand what she is saying because it's difficult to follow what she says with the stutter. I can't cook lunch and hear a request for some juice...I have to stop whatever I'm doing to listen and understand. It's...in a word...frustrating. I wonder if the lack of sleep or stress of me wanting sleep is making it all worse. We just started week 2 of school so I'll give it another week and then try and meet with the speech pathologist and teacher to get some suggestions because I'm gonna need some!

Sleep sucks

2011-09-01T16:06:00.000-04:00

Not really...I love sleep. I can sleep with the best of 'em. 12 hours, no problem. Unless, of course, I've got insomnia or a 4 year old who doesn't seem to think sleep is a good thing. I've got a bit of both right now. If I didn't have said 4 year old, and it was just insomnia, then I could nap. But I do and it's not just insomnia.

Keeghan slept like a champ in China. Once home, notsomuch. Jet lag coming back SUCKED. I went cold turkey and got back on US time pretty quick. The then 17 month old, didn't. Once we were over insomnia we still weren't so good about sleeping. Understandable. We gave it time. I comforted her. We bonded. Sleep got somewhat better.

BUT almost 3 years later we still can't count on Keeghan sleeping through the night more than once a week. And by sleeping through the night I mean 8pm-6am if we're lucky. Naps are done. Once in a while we take a nap but then bedtime is more of a nightmare. Nighttime, is already a nightmare. There are nights I've found Keeghan playing Nintendo at 3am. Last night she was hanging out with one of the dogs at 4am. The night before we were running the halls at 2:30am. We had a sticker thing going...stay in your bed all night, get a sticker. Sweet right? Sure, for the first few weeks...then it's just old and boring and why stay in bed? The kid is tired, she's fallen DEAD asleep in the car two days this week. Her behaviour screams tired. Her little body/brain however, not so interested in giving in to sleep.

We're at the scared of monsters stage. We're asking TONS of questions about birthparents and China. School starts next week. There was the 1 night a month ago someone else put her to bed...the first time since she came home. That's alot and I think it's all adding up to lack of sleep...for both of us. If I could just have an epic meltdown whenever/wherever I want, that might be ok. But given I'm 4 with a 0 and not just 4, I can't. So I'm trudging through while little miss just 4 can meltdown at will. Trying to give my little princess some extra love and consistency and motivation. I'll get to sleep again sometime. She will never be 4 again.

Second Best?

2011-08-15T14:27:00.000-04:00

So I was just reading a thread on an adoption board about adoption being second best and I got to thinking. Biology is a strong drive and I think we (as a society) view it as THE way to grow a family. Get pregnant, have baby, good job. Some have trouble with the "get pregnant" part...and are lead to adoption to grow their family. Does that mean adoption is second best? Or just a second choice? Kinda like getting pregnant...most times the first choice is to get pregnant without any ahhhhh, extra involvement? That doesn't always work out so there's help out there...IVF, IUI, just some drugs...does that mean kids that come to a family via those methods are second best?

Some just don't want to be pregnant. I'll tell ya it wasn't a fun time for me! I puked...alot. All the time. For most of all three of my successful pregnancies. I spent some time in the hospital, had high blood pressure, and was pretty miserable to live with while pregnant. Sure one mention of growing our family and I'd be knocked up but that doesn't make my bio kids any better than my adopted kid. I've blogged/talked openly about how we came to adopt. We didn't venture to the biology side with kid 4. Did we talk about it? Sure. But it simply wasn't a good choice...wasn't our 1st choice for adding to our family...adoption was the 1st choice. And honestly, it would be my 1st choice again in a second if we could add to our family again. I could care less about being pregnant, but adoption, I'd be all over that in a second.

So why do you think adoption is seen as the backup plan? Oh...couldn't get pregnant huh? Had to adopt? I think a huge piece of this is how society sees adoption. I think we're stuck in the mindset that having "our own kids" is how it should be...or is better. I think because adoption used to be such a secret that we don't hear enough about it and there are soooo many misconceptions. But, like anything else, if you do some research and ask some questions...you can get through it. People will go to amazing lengths to have biological children. All kinds of medical procedures, drugs, tests, bed rest, the list goes on. Sure, there's a crap load of paperwork involved in adopting...but way easier than 30 weeks of bed rest! Sure there are unknowns...medical stuff that could come up...but isn't that the case in biology as well? Parenthood is a complete crap shoot no matter how you get there. Giving birth to biological children is no guarantee that you'll get a perfectly healthy kid.

There is also the concept that a bond with an adopted child won't be as strong as the biology bond. Gotta tell ya, soooo not true. I did not bond at all with one of my bio kids for a solid year. Did I care for that kid? Yup. Did I enjoy it? Nope. I went through the motions and did what I needed to do cause I am the Mother. It took a long time for me to bond with that kid. Keeghan was "mine" from second one. I connected with her and loved her far more than I can explain. She certainly didn't feel the same about me. I had to work to earn her trust. But it wasn't really work to me...taking care of that bio kid...THAT was work. Obviously this is different for everyone but I'm here to tell ya that biology doesn't guarantee a bond.

So what am I getting at? Adoption isn't second best. It's a way to grow a family just like pregnancy. There are on the idea of 147 MILLION children in this world without families. That's a scary number. Is adoption right for everyone? No way. There are plenty of people who "can't love someone else's kid". If that's your attitude...don't adopt. I, however, am not loving someone else's kid...I'm loving MY FOUR kids. And when someone has both bio and adopted children...don't assume adoption was the second choice or second best...it was simply a way to grow a family.

4 years ago...

2011-07-27T20:02:00.000-04:00

It was 4 years ago that the idea of adoption was discussed for real in our house. We were headed out the door to a soccer practice when Doug sorta threw on my lap "if you really want another daughter we can adopt one from China". I was a bit like "HUH????!!!!"....and out the door we went. There were some serious discussions over the next few days. Adoption, another pregnancy, not to add to our family, international adoption, domestic adoption....and on and on. Adding to our family through an international adoption quickly became the front runner and we spent our 15th wedding anniversary in a hot room at an info meeting for our adoption agency. We did manage a nice dinner at the Cheesecake Factory too, after said meeting and a phone call to some friends to confirm that we hadn't totally lost our minds (friends who also have a daughter that was born in China and came home with the help of the same agency). We started paperwork, talked to the big kids, and did more paperwork thinking we were in for a 2-3 year wait to bring home a daughter. Little did we know our daughter was making her way into this world thousands of miles away...

Fast forward a year to the end of July 2008 when we found Keeghan's file on a list of waiting children and began the very real process of deciding if we could add this child to our family. It was the day after her 1st birthday (7/30) that we locked her file at 5pm on a Wednesday night when I was on my way to work and Doug was having his soccer team over to tie die socks...that's how we roll around here. We were up til midnight writing our Letter of Intent and panicking about whether or not we'd done the right thing. The next few months of approvals and waiting dragged but the miracle of having Keeghan home with us for Christmas came true.

2 1/2 years later there are days I forget Keeghan hasn't always been with us but there are other days I feel like we just met. Sleep is still a challenge for us. It's better for sure. The nights of being up for hours on end with a very unhappy little girl are mostly gone. There are nights of nightmares though or of waking because it's too...hot, cold, windy, dark, light, the blankets are wrong, there's no more water in the cup, there's a stray book on the floor...but overall sleep is better. Naptime is, very sadly, a thing of the past but my girl has an internal clock that gets her up at 5:50am no matter what. Although I'm a morning person, I like my quiet time to get up and get my workout and shower in without, ummmm, help.

Keeghan still loves her food and has certainly developed a sweet tooth but she loves a good salad too. And noodles...this kid LOVES noodles. We are past needing to have food in her hands 24/7 but don't make her wait too long if she's hungry cause that gets UGLY. I keep snacks in my car as we're on the go alot and don't really expect her to wait a long time to eat if she tells me she's hungry. And I still feed her pretty often. She'll even ask me once in a while "you feed me?".

Early on I fed her as much as she'd let me for bonding purposes and I suppose it certainly fits that bill now as well. I promise her often that "Ma Ma always comes back." and "I will love you forever and ever." and "I'll be your Ma Ma forever." but actions speak louder than words and feeding her serves to show that I'll take care of her. I still carry Keeghan once in a while and let her sit on my lap as much as she wants (despite her 43+ lbs being a bit much). I cuddle with her and read every night when I tuck her into bed. Make sure to make lots of eye contact. Bonding is a process. A kid who has lost not only a biological family and then her nannies knows that people SAY they're going to take care of you but then disappear. Keeghan was MORE than aware that I was taking her from those who cared for her and was FAR from happy about it. Losing your family, your comfort, your bed, your clothes, your language, your culture, your food...everything is traumatic and I don't blame my princess a bit for not being so sure that we're not going to disappear too. I'm sure we will hit phases of development that will bring many more questions and concerns.

We talk about China, about the fact that Keeghan has a birth mother, that her nannies took care of her, that we couldn't wait for her to be in our family, that she has beautiful black hair, that everyone is born different, that all families look different. We answer questions as they come up. We love her and she has grown to love us. Keeghan is usually ok with me going to work or coming to the gym with me where she goes to the daycare. There are still days I get a quiet little girl who clearly doesn't want me to go and it kills me. I'm sure we will eventually get to the point where someone besides me can put her to bed without major drama or I can run an errand without 10 minutes of hugs and kisses and reassurance before I go. I hope that someday, Keeghan will know how much we love her and that we really are her FOREVER family.

Keeghan's lymphedema has proved to cause more problems with people saying stupid things than medical issues...so far anyway. Her swelling is worse in the hot, humid weather when it's more difficult to wrap her arm. We massage as we can but gentle massage on a small child results in more giggling than massaging. I try and sneak massage time in when we're cuddled on the bed or couch and sometimes Keeghan will even ask to be massaged. The swelling certainly hasn't gone down as much as we had hoped but we also have not undergone intense treatment as Keeghan isn't all that fond of strangers touching her so getting her to allow a therapist to massage her for a solid hour a couple weeks in a row probably isn't worth the trauma. We have been lucky that Keeghan has not had any infections though we certainly panic anytime we see a red spot on her bad side. We handle stupid comments without much flair because I don't want Keeghan to think there is a reason to react strongly. If someone asks what happened to her hand I will typically respond with "Nothing, she has a congenital medical condition." and leave it at that. If a child asks I simply say "Nothing she was born that way." and Keeghan will often pipe in with "That's just my hand." or "Everyone's different.". So, for now, it's not a big deal to any of us though I'm sure that will change as she gets older and kids get meaner. I hope we can instill the confidence she will need to get through the idiots in this world who can't see past her swollen hand to the amazing little girl she is.

2011-07-25T12:23:00.000-04:00

3 years ago today...

2011-07-25T11:30:00.000-04:00

I saw my little princess for the first time. After 2 days of frantically researching lymphedema we decided we needed to see the file of this little girl. I tried calling my agency out of an email I had but somehow or another the number was off so I sent a quick email and got a phone call back. The in house SW was going to send me the file with medical info and pictures. PICTURES I said??? I'm not sure if I want to see pictures...I didn't want to fall in love with a cute little face and ignore the facts and I knew that would be tough if there were pictures. But, the SW said...I want you to see what her hand looks like. She did offer to blur out the face in the pictures but I finally said no, if I'm going to see pictures I want to see her. And minutes later I got an email with medical info, some development stuff, comments her nannies had made about her personality...and those pictures. I'll never forget the cute pouty lips and crazy hair. As a matter of fact Keeghan and I were looking at pictures the other night when she looked at one of the pictures that came with her file and said "What happened to my hair?". It seems crazy that it's been 3 years already....those pouty lips smile more these days and the hair is not as crazy but she's every bit as beautiful as those pictures!

2011-07-04T18:30:00.000-04:00

Happy 4th!!

2011-07-03T18:37:00.001-04:00

So gangsta

2011-05-18T17:53:00.001-04:00

We spent a week at the House Of Mouse...

2011-05-18T17:47:00.010-04:00

Where we met Mulan!

2011-05-18T17:47:00.009-04:00

And Minnie!

2011-05-18T17:47:00.008-04:00

And had a whole lot of fun!

More sleep woes...

2011-03-24T16:37:00.000-04:00

I thought at some point we'd gotten to the "ok" point with sleep. Waking up some but I was not feeling sleep deprived or frustrated. Then we slipped backwards to hearing "mama......mama.....mama" several times a night. Sure a quick trip to fix blankets or get more water and she'd go back to sleep but I wouldn't. And even when I did get back to sleep getting woken up 2,3,4 times a night meant not such good sleep. Anyone that knows me knows I'm not so good without sleep.

Keeghan moved from her crib to her big girl bed a few weeks ago. We knew it had to happen at some point and after she'd gone for a few naps without argument we asked her if she wanted to take her crib down and she was all about some tools. We took the crib down, went to the mall to buy to buy new special sheets for the big girl bed....all was ok. Until we tried to go to bed when Keeghan decided she wanted her crib back. I simply told her the crib was gone and she could sleep in her big girl bed. And she did.

But we are still getting up in the middle of the night with excuses like "fix my blankets" or "I all done". Really? at 2am you're all done? I don't think so cause I sure as hell am not done! There usually isn't crying or being upset. Just seems she wants to say hi. I love this kid...really. She's adorable (and will tell you as much), funny, pretty easy going...but at 3am when I want to sleep I'm a bit grouchy and not so in love. After being up several times on Monday night I was pretty tired so when the cycle started again Tuesday, I checked on Keeghan once (to discover she just wanted to say hi) and then decided to let her fuss it out the second time she started calling to me. Well, after over and hour of that...I lost it a bit and told her pretty loudly that it was time to close her mouth and go to sleep. And she did...or at least she was quiet so I got another 1/2 hour of sleep before it was time to get up for real.

I'm at a total loss. She's not a light sleeper (this kid can sleep though the dogs running around barking when she's out), she's not telling me she's scared, she has a nightlight, the hall light is on, the door is closed (all at her request), she has a noise machine, she isn't sick...so what's the issue? Is is an attachment thing? Is she worried I'm gonna take off on her in the middle of the night and this is her way of making sure I'm there? (She often tell me "Make sure you go to bed" when I put her to bed) Is her lymphedema an issue? She certainly never complains of her swollen limbs being painful but is that just because she's so used to it and it really is bothering her and more so at night? I can't find rhyme or reason to whether or not wrapping her helps. Is it just what it is...that she's not a good sleeper? Is it a new phase of independence that's causgin her stress?

Today I realized Keeghan has recently started getting out of the car at school "by herself" (ie I'm not allowed to come out and walk her to line) and I wonder if maybe the worse sleep this week is a result of this new step in independence. But we also had a busy week last week and I worked an extra day so maybe that's what happened? Really, it's a whole lotta guessing going on in my head. My current strategy is that IF she stays in bed, quietly, all night, she gets a sticker. There was excitement about this last night...and it worked so she got a sticker (though I'm pretty sure I heard her awake at 5:45 this morning when I was sneaking out for a run). I'll cross my fingers that it works again tonight but I'm certainly not gonna hold my breath!

Firsts

2011-03-13T21:34:00.000-04:00

The post was born from the sadness I felt in taking Keeghan's crib down yesterday. It was very sad for me to watch. I remember bringing the crib home and putting it together...being SOOO excited to be adding a little girl to our family. Being so ready to bring Keeghan home. So it was sad for me to put that piece of her life away. Knowing there will be no more cribs in my house (well...maybe Grandchildren someday). Keeghan had fun taking the crib apart. We went and bought new sheets for her "big girl bed" (twin bed that's been in her room all along). She picked Hello Kitty. It was all ok with her until bedtime when she told me she wanted her "cribby". She tried to tell me she should sleep in my bed but ultimately went to sleep in her big girl bed and stayed there for the night.

This morning, while running, the sadness hit me again. And running is a good time to think...I started thinking about all the firsts that I never had with Keeghan. Feeling her move in my belly the first time. Seeing her first smile, watching her roll over, crawl, take her first steps. So many big milestones that she didn't have a Mama for. Remembering how Kennedy learned to crawl to get to a piece of pizza or Devon taking his first steps on Christmas Eve or Carson pulling herself up at the dishwasher while I was doing dishes. There are so many memories that come with watching your children grow. And then I realized that though I missed 18 months of firsts...Keeghan's birth parents are missing a lifetime of firsts. They didn't see her first steps or hear her first word. They didn't get to bring her to pick out sheets for her big girl bed or help her celebrate potty training success. They'll never get to see her dance and they won't have the joy of the 5 babies Keeghan says she wants to have. It makes me so sad. I'll never know the circumstances surrounding Keeghan being left. I'll never pretend to understand. I'll just take all the joy she brings me with all the stress and remember how lucky I am to be a Mom.

Where we're at

2011-02-20T18:15:00.000-05:00

Keeghan is really becoming quite a little character lately. She is much less shy than she used to be and is willing to try some new things. She's come to like playing in the snow (assuming it's not too cold out...today was too cold and she was back in pretty quick) and has even done some sledding. She'll run like a mad woman at the indoor playground at the mall where before she would go down the smallest slide IF you stood with her while she did it. The other day she was running around, going down slides, jumping off things and dancing. Quite a difference! I'm hoping that this means our upcoming trip to Disney World will not be a week of Keeghan clinging to my leg and not going on any rides. We will see...

Sleep is still a challenge. We are up at least once a night to "fix my blankies" and I'm past done with that. I'm not convinced moving her to a bed will mean better sleeping so Keeghan is still in her crib. But I'm not really sure where to go at this point. She does (99.9%) of the time go right back to sleep but I don't. I end up awake for hours which is not fun. There's only so many Jersey Shore re-runs one can watch at 3am.

2011-02-20T17:37:00.001-05:00

Dancing at the mall

2011-02-16T12:44:00.000-05:00

2011-02-14T12:46:00.000-05:00

2011-02-05T12:30:00.001-05:00

That's the crew of kids we brought with us to our adoption agency's Chinese New Year celebration. We let each of the older kids choose a friend to bring. They're teenage enough that kids crafts and a Dragon Dance aren't terribly exciting...nor was the hour car ride to get there but each of them having a friend helped minimize the complaints. Everyone seemed to have fun. The big girls got to make some nice bracelets while Keeghan danced and did arts and crafts. The highlight of the party, however, was Keeghan getting to dance with the Rabbit after the Dragon Dance. She was SOOOO excited that the rabbit held her hand and danced with her...right until the Dragon came up behind her.

2011-02-02T18:00:00.000-05:00

Cleaning for CNY

I've been remiss

2011-01-25T12:27:00.000-05:00

I know, updates have been few and far between. Perhaps because we've hit our new normal...only took 2 years. I feel, most days, like I'm functioning well. I don't forget as much (though I almost walked out of the grocery store without milk yesterday) and I am put together most days. The kids certainly keep me going. The 3 big kids are playing sports and involved in school stuff which means I run around picking them up and dropping them off places. And that also means Keeghan gets dragged around picking kids up and dropping them off. It's fortunate that she's a good sport about that. And she does enjoy watching her brother and sisters play soccer or basketball.

Keeghan is doing ok with school. She's still clingy when I drop her off and typically needs a teacher to take her by the hand to get her into school. I'm sure the crazy Christmas hours I worked as well as Christmas break and all the crazy snow days we've had are partially responsible for that. This morning, on the way to school she proudly announced she was "going to let go your leg Mama". Oooorrrrrr she was going to grab onto me and not let go at all. She doesn't cry and when I pick her up she tells me about all the fun she had at school but I still cringe when I have to peel her off my leg : (

Sleep...still a challenge. Keeghan is still in a crib. I've tried enticing her into a bed. I've offered the chance to pick a new toy, sheets, blankets. I've even offered her the silk quilt from China that's hanging on her wall. No dice. "I wanna sleep my cribby!" That's pretty much what I get. Keeghan's big...40lbs and 41ish inches tall. She barely fits in the crib and if we slept all night 98% of the time I wouldn't care. But we're up once or twice a night to fix blankets or cause Keeghan is "all done". Ugh. I thought I'd solved our sleep issues a while back but clearly that's not the case. I guess, at this point, she'll stay in a crib until we're sleeping better and then I'll screw that all up by taking the crib away. One challenge at a time.

Keeghan continues to amaze us with how smart she is. She knows her letters (most upper and lower case), her numbers, colors, shapes (I was told the other day her crib is rectangle shaped), and how to count in English, Spanish, and Mandarin. She will "read" a book using the story she's heard (she LOVES to be read to) and picture clues and even has a book or two totally memorized. She can write a few letters (K and E are two of them) and knows some letter sounds. She loves to dance and listen to music and has come to like watching Kai Lan, Dora, Calliou, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and our Believe DVD (the Shamu show). She does not like the snow but is good about putting on a hat and mittens when we go out in the cold. She still needs time to take in her surroundings before adventuring away from me. She loves to sit on my lap and is perfectly happy to cuddle but doesn't love giving hugs or kisses. I try not to push it by constantly asking for hugs or kisses. It's not worth it making her resent physical contact. I know I'm not a fan of people touching me all the time so I can relate.

Speaking of which, little Miss Princess wants to sit on my lap so that'll end this long over due update!

2011-01-18T18:20:00.003-05:00

That face is pretty much what Keeghan thinks of the snow "I no lik-a snow." I'm with her there...I no like the snow either.

2011-01-18T18:20:00.002-05:00

Christmas Eve 2010...in their new jammies

2011-01-18T18:19:00.000-05:00

2011-01-18T18:18:00.001-05:00

We're on snow day 3 from school out of the last 4 possible school days. K hasn't been to school in a week. We were cuddled up on my bed this morning and I couldn't help but wonder how I got lucky enough to be the Mama of this beautiful little girl.

2 years later

2010-12-20T16:51:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe Keeghan has been home for 2 years! 2 years ago I was jet lagged, crazy sleep deprived, and trying desperately to get my holiday preparations done. Today...well, I'm not jet lagged! Keeghan amazes us everyday with her sense of humor (and sarcasm), her ability to make us smile, her love of music, and her passion for life.

She's cautiously excited for Christmas. Santa Claus is ok at a distance. She'll give him a high five and wave but isn't so enthusiastic to sit on his lap. There was a few weeks where she was not interested in him coming in our house at all and she was more than willing to forgo gifts if it meant Santa would not come in our house. She is now ok with the idea that he will leave presents without coming in her room to wake her up and scare her. Much to the relief of her siblings who are very excited for some presents!

Keeghan gets dragged from sporting event to sporting event to watch her siblings play whatever the sport of the month is without complaint. Soccer was the sport for the fall while basketball has mostly taken over for the winter (though Kennedy, our soccer queen, is playing indoor soccer...and was selected to participate in the Olympic Development Program's winter training). Keeghan can't wait until she is big enough to play some sports of her own!

Here's hoping you all have a very Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and an amazing 2011!!

2010-10-31T18:52:00.001-04:00

2010-10-31T18:51:00.001-04:00

2010-10-31T18:50:00.003-04:00

2010-10-31T18:50:00.001-04:00

2010-10-31T18:49:00.001-04:00

Lady Gaga and Mulan

2010-10-31T18:46:00.000-04:00

Bad blogger

2010-10-12T10:56:00.003-04:00

First day of school

I have been a bad blogger for sure. We're finally (I think) to the point where we don't have too many more firsts for Keeghan. She's settled into school pretty well. She does still hang onto my leg when I drop her off but typically there are no tears and she comes home telling me about what fun things she gets to do at school.

Sleep is ok. Keeghan still (usually) naps for me after lunch which we both need. She goes to bed around 7:45 but has been up CRAZY early lately (read that as 5:30am) which is NOT going to be good once we hit the time change. We actually had 2 days over the weekend that she slept in until 6:30 or 7 but that seems to be over. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that the big kids are up bright and early and aren't terribly quiet. Overall, though, sleep is ok. We certainly aren't getting up 20 times a night which I am very thankful for.

We took Keeghan to her first country fair yesterday. She was excited to go and see animals. She petted a cow and touched a sheep and fed a goat. We also managed to get her on a carousel for the first time. She wasn't so sure at first that it was a good idea at all but once we got on and started going she let go of my neck long enough to wave to Ba Ba and her siblings. We also went on a giant slide which was not such a hit. There were a few tears once we hit the bottom but she calmed right down and wanted to go back on the carousel...so we did. Keeghan also got to fish for a duckie, try fried dough, see pigs, ox, horses, rabbits, chickens and all kinds of other stuff. We had a fun day as a family which was nice.

Pre-School

2010-09-07T08:11:00.002-04:00

Keeghan started pre-school last Tuesday. I was dreading it. I knew leaving me was not going to go well. I tried to keep the thought light and we all talked school up. Tuesday morning she was ok driving to school and even getting out of the car. We walked up and got in line all without tears. She held the hand of one of her teachers and went off into school. I was stunned. So stunned that I went into the office to sit and was going to sneak down to peak in and make sure there were no tears. One of the secretaries (Keeghan is going to school at the same elementary school where the 3 big kids went so I know a few people thank goodness) went down and came back to report Keeghan was fine. I left, and headed off to do a few errands by myself (almost forgot what that feels like!) and then home to do some cleaning (Keeghan is NOT a fan of the vacuum so I vacuumed without having to carry her around which was a joy!). Picked the princess up after her 2 1/2 hours of school. She said she had fun though her teacher said she did cry for about 10 minutes at one point during the day. I knew that day 2 would not be pretty. Now Keeghan knew what was going to happen and that would involve me leaving. I was right. I got "NO SCHOOL" all morning and though she went to the car and didn't flip once we got out of the car Keeghan was hanging onto me so tightly that I didn't need to actually hold her. I told her I would walk into school with her but that MaMa couldn't stay. Or....MaMa could stay for a good 35 minutes while Keeghan was not happy. I finally told her it was time for me to go, peeled her screaming 3 year old arms off my leg, climbed over her, and left. I stood outside the door listening to her scream for another 5 minutes and then thought she had stopped. I walked down the hall and ran into the assistant principal who say the tears in my eyes and took mercy on me. She walked down and went to check on Keeghan for me and returned to tell me that Keeghan had stopped crying and was sitting at the paint table...a bit standoffish but not crying at all. Phew. I took off to hit my Wednesday morning kickbox class...very late mind you but I REALLY needed it come then. Pick up was fine. Keeghan was happy and told me about her day. Thursday morning we started again with "no school!". I had decided I would simply drop her off and go knowing full well that her teacher would call if she needed me (she was kind enough to send me a few pics of Keeghan having a good time painting and playing with friends on Wednesday). Again, had to peel Keeghan off me while she was crying and saw that she was still crying as I drove by to leave but the report at pick up was that she had stopped crying before they even went inside. Again, phew! Keeghan was again very excited to see me at pick up and repeated over and over "You pick me up!". Friday is a no school day for the little princess so we'll see how Monday goes after a long weekend off. I'm going to stick with the drop off and go theory and hopefully there will be less tears each day with the assurance that I will be back to pick her up.

Pictures

2010-08-26T21:12:00.003-04:00

Summer is winding up

2010-08-24T17:23:00.002-04:00

I'm very sad that our summer is coming to a quick end. We've had some great trips to the beach, a fun time at a Barenaked Ladies concert, an awful stomach flu, good times in our own backyard, and a few fights, but overall it's been an awesome summer and it's pretty much over.

This week started soccer practices and the big kids go back to school next week. The girls start Tuesday while Devon gets a bonus day off and doesn't go until Wednesday since he's an upperclassman. Kennedy and Carson will both be in middle school (8th and 6th grade) and Devon is in his sophomore year of highschool. It was nice to have them home for the summer. They are awesome with Keeghan and help keep her entertained. I'm going to miss that.

Keeghan is starting pre-school at our elementary school so I have another 8 years to look forward to being a part of that school community. I am excited for her to start school but a bit sad too. I will miss her while she is at school but I know she will have a ton of fun making new friends and learning new things. We have been talking about school since last spring and she will tell you that when she goes to school MaMa goes to work (I used this knowing she understands that I go to work and she stays with BaBa or TiTi in hopes that she would start to process that I will not be going to school with her) but I'm pretty sure when it comes down to it my leaving may be an issue. We've come a long way in letting MaMa go to work and even on an errand or two without having a meltdown but new people and places are not a strong point. We've met the teacher several times and been in the classroom too. I'm hoping to get her in the classroom a couple times over the next week or so. Hopefully we can make a tough transition smoother.

This summer has brought about potty training. Keeghan had been ready for a while but I wasn't ready to push the issue. I finally gave up and just put underwear on her. We've had a few accidents but overall that worked. We still do a pull up at nap and bedtime but that's all good. It was generally an easy process though we are still working on pooping in the potty all the time. We'll get there I'm sure. Once we make the transition to school we will work on getting out of the crib as well.

I know I crave routine and school will bring that! It will also bring sports and way more running around. Carson and Kennedy both plan to play school soccer while Devon is going to play an indoor lacrosse league. Kennedy is also playing on a travel soccer team and Carson will be going back to gymnastics in a month once soccer is mostly done. I think school will be enough for Keeghan!

July 31st

2010-07-31T18:37:00.004-04:00

Keeghan is officially 3. Her birthday was Thursday and we had a bowling party...glow bowling to be exact. We took her bowling over one of the winter vacations this year and she loved it so a bowling party just made sense. And really, what's more fun than some 3 year olds with bowling balls? Keeghan had an awesome time and did really well with not getting overwhelmed and out of control. She totally understood that it was her birthday and that we were having cake. Presents were a total after thought for her. Whenever we mentioned a present for her birthday she'd bring up Santa. She enjoyed opening her presents though once she figured out they were for her : ) She still gets very excited when something is hers. As far as 3 year olds go she is very good at sharing and waiting her turn (of course we have moments of not waiting to share but overall she is good). She's come so amazingly far in the 19 months she's been home. We sleep (most nights) and once in a while I get to run an errand and Keeghan will want to "stay here". There typically aren't huge meltdowns when I go to work. Sure we still have clingy moments and meltdowns and bad days after busy days but who doesn't?

Blowing out the candle.

Happy Birthday to you...

Bowling!

Awwww!! Keeghan and one of her very first friends...a travel mate, Maelin. The girls have grown SOOO much.

Some summer pictures

2010-07-22T18:45:00.003-04:00

Summer is flying by

2010-07-20T18:40:00.002-04:00

It seems summer is flying by us! Keeghan's 3rd birthday is next week which means it's been 2 years since we first saw her beautiful face. She's grown and changed so much and continues to amaze us. Her language is coming along but there are plenty of words that just don't come out even close to right so we continue with speech therapy and will be transitioning Keeghan to pre-school this fall. I'm not so sure that transition will go terribly well as Keeghan is still pretty clingy with me and will often give me a hard time about leaving for work and I really don't get much of a chance to leave her for anything else unless she's asleep. I'm thinking I need to re-visit some reading on anxious attachment and work on that. We have been talking alot about Keeghan going to school and that MaMa will go to work while Keeghan is at school and she says "ya!" and is excited to go "in my classroom and do learning" but I'm not so sure that enthusiasm will continue once she realizes that I'm really NOT staying. I'm going to put together a photo album of pictures to try and help with the transition...Keeghan getting ready for school, Keeghan getting dropped off at school giving MaMa a hug, MaMa waving bye bye, Keeghan in her classroom, MaMa coming back to pick Keeghan up, and Keeghan going back home. Hopefully the visual will help. She is understanding that MaMa comes back (and BaBa too) and will tell us that but it doesn't always mean MaMa gets to leave without tears or clinging. The teacher she will be with is fabulous and I know we'll make this transition eventually but it doesn't make it any easier for me to think about.

Speaking of transitions...Devon has been away this week at a lacrosse camp. This is the first time he's been away from us this long and it seems to be going well (thankfully he's sent me text messages) but I'm ready for him to come home. I'm interested to see how he feels about having been away for a few nights with strangers. Hopefully he's learned a few things and had some fun. I'm looking forward to hearing all about it.

And Kennedy, she gets to do a soccer camp in a few weeks that is being run by a major league soccer team...very cool. She's really looking forward to it and is really ready for soccer season to get going.

Carson did a gymnastics camp last week. She's been BEGGING us for years to let her do gymnastics. I've been saying "NO" for fear of the expense but we finally gave in and said, fine...one week of camp. I went to pick her up day one and they want to put her on a team. One of the coaches saw her flipping around and asked where she trained and when they realized she was mostly self taught (I have enough experience that I've helped a bit) they knew she'd learn quick. We explored the costs (UN-DOABLE) and settled on an option that lets Carson spend 2 hours a week in the gym with girls at her level and will not bankrupt us.

So far, so good for summer. Looking forward to some more time at the beach, a trip to the zoo, and whatever else this warm weather brings!

The last month in iPhone pics

2010-06-22T16:18:00.003-04:00

Keeghan has master the playground.

Kennedy's team took 2nd place at our state open cup a few weeks ago.

Carson graduated elementary school.

Kennedy got my iPhone for her birthday...and I get the new iPhone : )

Keeghan enjoyed alot of fun at the end of the school year.

Summer is upon us

2010-06-12T16:50:00.002-04:00

Almost. The big kids have another week (and a half day) of school and we've got a few more lose ends to wrap up the end of the year but I'm looking forward to some lazy days and beach trips and maybe hitting the zoo this summer. Devon is finishing up his freshman year of high school. Kennedy will head in to her last year of middle school (8th grade) in the fall while Carson will be starting middle school (6th grade). It's hard to believe they are all out of elementary school.

My years there, however, are not done as Keeghan will be starting pre-school at our elementary school in the fall. She is enrolled in a program that meets for about 3 hours 3 or 4 mornings a week. It's a classroom that consists of both identified and typically developing kids and we aren't totally sure yet if Keeghan will go as a "typical" child and be given speech and OT services that way or if she will end up identified to receive the services she needs. We did some testing last Friday and have a few more meetings and some more testing to do before we'll have all the answers. We've been in Keeghan's classroom twice now and Keeghan is very excited to go to school. I'm not so sure that enthusiasm will continue once she realizes I will not be attending school with her. I'm sure we'll figure it out and she will have a ton of fun once she's settled in. We've come a long way in the 18 months Keeghan's been home and I'm very proud of my little princess. She's an amazing little girl.

Her sisters and brother are pretty amazing too. Devon had a great first season playing lacrosse for his high school team. He has never really played before but held his own and played fairly well over the course of the season. As I said in a previous post he has earned a place at a camp this summer and is really looking forward to that. He's also hoping to play in a summer league and will then play soccer in the fall and then lacrosse winter and spring.

Kennedy has had a great spring soccer season earning herself a spot as a captain of her team. She's scored a few hard earned goals which is nice to see. One was in a tournament where a boy on the opposing team was giving Kennedy a very hard time (he called her some choice names and went as far as saying that girls couldn't play soccer). Kennedy proceeded to put a shot into their net showing this boy he was very wrong and girls most certainly can play soccer...even with boys and succeed. I'm proud of how Kennedy handled herself and of how her team mates supported her. They're a great bunch of kids.

Carson had a busy spring with soccer, school track, a school talent show, band and chorus. She was constantly on the go but kept up with all of it and made sure her school work was done well and she still had time for her baby sister : )

Keeghan continues to grow and amaze us. She is not yet 3 but weighs a solid 40lbs and is a good 41" tall...monster baby! She's getting better about staying without me when I work or run an errand and she continues to enjoy going to the gym with me. She loves being outside swinging, in the pool, on her bike, on the trampoline or at the park but she HATES bugs. The sight of a bug (or a piece of dirt that looks a bit bug like) throws her into a panic and she will scream if it's too close. There have been a few issues with bugs in the car where we have had to stop driving to squish the bug before she would even start to calm down. I'm hoping this fear will get better over the summer because it's a bit much. Despite often being dragged around to soccer or lacrosse or some school event Keeghan has kept a smile on her face (most of the time) and tries to go with the flow. It's easy to forget she hasn't been here forever.

Because I'm a proud Mom...

2010-05-24T21:26:00.003-04:00

I have to share that Devon won a scholarship to a lacrosse camp from US Lacrosse. It is, of course, a sleep away camp which is, of course, causing me huge anxiety but I guess I'll have to let him grow up sometime and now is as good as any. Before this spring Devon has played exactly one week of lacrosse. A half day city camp a few summers ago. He was psyched to play this spring at school and has done fairly well for a kid who barely knew the game. He's loving it so even though I'm anxiety ridden over him being at sleep away camp, I'm also excited for him.

AND Kennedy was named co-captain of her (boys) soccer team. She is one of two girls on the team and has worked very hard to have a leadership role. She plays a mean game of soccer...even against boys. She's very proud of herself and so am I.

More Truths

2010-04-20T10:38:00.006-04:00

There's still a lot of uproar about the adoptive mother who returned her son recently. It's lead to lots of talk about how well prepared parents are when adopting. Who's responsible for making sure they are ready to parent a child who may have attachment problems, sensory issues, and so much more. As a parent of both bio and adopted children I've thought a lot about this.

Parenting is really a crap shoot. Bio/adopted/foster/however your kids come to you there is no guarantee of what you'll get. There's a bit of control in the bio set...you eat well, take vitamins, have pre-natal care sure. That, however, doesn't guarantee a healthy child. Heck you can get through all of that to end up with a child with cancer or an injury that causes challenges. Same with adoption. You make choices in the process but those are no guarantee either. I think in making the choice to be a parent you need to be prepared for whatever might come your way. That said, I don't understand the attitude that a lot of people have about adoptive parents being somehow different, special. The word noble was used to me once. Every parent faces challenges and I am no different than the rest. I am in no way special for adopting. We wanted to grow our family and that's what we did.

We Are The Truth...

2010-04-15T16:39:00.002-04:00

In response to the horrific act of an adoptive mother putting her 7 year old son on a plane back to his birth country the Joint Council on International Children's Services has asked people to today, blog about adoption success stories...I know we've only had Keeghan home 16 months, but so far so good : )

Our journey to adoption could probably be seen as having begun 11ish years ago. I was pregnant with our third child and we were pretty sure that would be it, our family would be complete. We had been lucky in conceiving easily so we opted for "permanent" birth control. Carson was born in April of 1999 when Devon had JUST turned 4 and Kennedy was 21 months old. My days were filled with diapers, feeding, carseats, Sesame Street, and all things baby and toddlers. Slowly the kids were growing up. Devon went off to a full day kindergarten. Kennedy was in pre-school and then off to kindergarten. Carson went off to pre-school...and I longed for another baby. Doug wasn't convinced that another baby was such a good idea. We still had our hands pretty full and plenty of things to work on. Until August 1st 2007.

We were literally headed out the door to soccer practice (Doug's team so he HAD to be there) when I could tell something was up. I asked what was wrong and Doug closed the door to our bedroom...UH OH! I sat down and Doug proceeded to say that he had been thinking alot and if I still thought another child was a good idea he thought we should adopt from China. He handed me an application from our agency. I was stunned SILENT. And off we went to practice. Thankfully, Doug had taken the next day off from work to hit the beach as a family. We talked alot that day...about having another bio child, about adoption (domestic and international), about everything. I did some research of my own and we decided we'd spend our 15th wedding anniversary (8/8) at an info session with our agency. We left there both knowing we were going to adopt. I made a phone call on our way to dinner to some friends who had used this agency and been home with their daughter a few years to ask a few questions and I guess share our news. The next morning we shared with our kids (over donuts of course) that they would probably be getting a new sister. We sent off our application which was approved and moved forward to finish a homestudy and all the other paperwork that needed to be done to adopt. Our big kids were asked to keep this all quiet until we were done with paperwork and homestudy approved. So, they waited a good 2 months before getting to share with friends their exciting news. It was hard for all of us. Our dossier went off to China in December of 2007...and we waited.

After much discussion, come February of 2008 we decided there were several special needs we were willing to take on. We spoke with our agency and our social worker and made a list...and waited some more. We figured we still have a good year or so to wait. We hoped that we would all travel to China. But, that all changed in July of 2008 when I opened an e-mail with a list of kids available for adoption. I questioned the files of 3 of those kids and within a few days saw my daughter's face for the first time. She was about to turn 1, was diagnosed with congenital lymphedema, and I was in love. We had research to do. Lymphedema is something far more common in woman who've had breast cancer than a 1 year old and not too many medical professionals knew what to do with a child with this condition. We made phone calls, did internet research, joined yahoo groups, and took a leap of faith the day after our daughter turned one. We locked her file and wrote a letter of intent to the Chinese government sent off a few more documents and waited for the approval that NianShuang could be ours. 2 weeks later we received that approval and shouted from the rooftops that we had a new daughter.

I travelled alone to Hunan China in December of 2008 to bring Keeghan home. She was handed to me the morning of 12/8, screaming. She kicked me, pushed me and cried some more. I tried bribing her with food (she already had 2 cookies in her hands). We left the office with her still very unhappy to be with me. At 16 months old she knew that I was a stranger and was not thrilled with the idea of going anywhere with me. The crying lasted a few hours and a few hours the next day but Keeghan decided since I was the one with the food and toys she'd deal. We worked hard on bonding over the next week. I wore Keeghan alot (no easy task with a 28lb child) and carried her and hand fed her and used a bottle. I worked to ensure her that I would take care of her. We returned home on 12/17 to meet our family at the airport. The big kids were thrilled to finally meet their new sister and we were all thrilled that I was home.

The past 16 months have been work. There are nights we've been up for 3, 4, or 5 hours at a time. There have been days where Keeghan will not let me put her down. She, to this day, does NOT like me to leave her. She does love swinging, blowing bubbles, dancing, spinning on her sit n spin, reading books and playing with her brother and sisters. She's an amazing little girl who has brought alot to our lives.

Adoption or biology, parenting is not an easy task but it is oh so rewarding. Watching your children grown, learn, love, and succeed makes every sleepless night and tough day worth it. I know we've had a relatively easy transition. I know we've been lucky. But I also did my homework and reached out for help if I needed it. I know we still have work to do and I know we'll have some VERY tough questions to answer in the future. But that's all ok because we wanted to grow our family and Keeghan was a PERFECT addition.

After 16 months...

2010-04-08T20:28:00.002-04:00

Keeghan is officially a United States Citizen. We had an "interview" appointment today at the local USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services) office where we assured them our paperwork was still right, signed a few things, turned over Keeghan's green card, and took an oath renouncing her citizenship from China. About 20 minutes in the office and voila, she's a citizen. And we didn't even manage to wreck the poor man's office though Keeghan had a great time with a stamp and stapler. I took a few pictures with my phone that I posted on Facebook and I'll try and remember to get them here.

We also celebrated Carson's 11th birthday today...so we went out for dinner and ice cream. Lots to celebrate today!

Park Pictures

2010-03-29T16:50:00.004-04:00

Apparently kitties like rice...who knew??
St Patrick's Day

Tired out after the park

Swinging!!!

Cheese : )

Sleep is still an issue

2010-03-23T19:16:00.002-04:00

15 months home and we're still having some serious sleep issues. Keeghan's been sick quite a bit the past few weeks with croup and now a nasty cold. I thought the croup thing was the cause of the lack of sleep at first but the week between illnesses was a BAD sleep week too. Bad like up for hours in the middle of the night and up at crazy hours in the morning. I tried blaming the time change, croup, the cold but in the end I have NO clue what the issue it. Is it attachment stuff? Is it the time change? Not feeling well? Being 2? Being too big for the crib? Being hungry or thirsty? I have done my best to eliminate what I can...some cold medicine before bed, a good snack, plenty of Mama time during the day, plenty of exercise...but none of it seemed to be getting us anywhere. I even, the other day tried to see if she'd sleep in the twin bed that's in her room but that didn't fly. I finally hit the wall at about 3am the other night after having been up to Keeghan's room numerous times and having been up for hours...again. I shut the monitor off and finally went back to sleep. I don't know how much longer Keeghan was up for but I'm guessing not long as I can hear her from my room even without the monitor and there wasn't a ton of screaming or I would have stayed awake. I guess I'm finally comfortable enough with our level of attachment that I was able to do this. I've let her yell (typically when she's up in the middle of the night she just yells "Mama, Mama, Mama" non-stop) a bit more over the past few nights and I think, perhaps, we've slept a bit more. It could just be we've had a good couple of nights but I'm really hoping that maybe we'll actually just get some sleep. It totally doesn't help that once up, it takes me forever to fall back asleep or that Doug snores up a storm and falls back to sleep in seconds after getting up (though he certainly gets points for getting up with Keeghan). It also doesn't help that I don't do well without enough sleep and enough for me is a solid 9 hours a night. I know it could be worse and I'm thankful it's not but I'm ready for a good night's sleep!

On a more technical note, we're working a Certificate of Citizenship for Keeghan. I sent in the fee and paperwork about a month ago and now we have an appointment for an "interview" at our local USCIS office in 2 weeks. I'm assuming it's just a formality and we'll answer a question or two and be all set. We're also trying to finish up our post-placement reports with our social working. Unfortunately she's taken on a new job since we started this process and it's tough for us to connect. I'm glad, though, that we'll be able to finish the process with her though and not have to deal with someone different. I have some pictures from a recent trip to the park that I'll post later this week and with the nice weather we've had here lately we broke down and got a new swing set so I'm hoping that will be up come the end of next weekend and we can have some more outdoor fun!

Sick Baby

2010-03-05T18:10:00.002-05:00

Keeghan's got an awful cold/case of croup. The poor thing has been coughing all over and has a wicked runny nose. So not fun. This of course leads to little sleep and a clingy little girl which leads to a cranky tired Ma Ma. All in all not a good combination. I ended up bringing the little princess to the Dr on Tuesday as she was so off and he prescribed some prednisone to help with the croup. Steroids, however, have some undesirable side effects like a wound up little girl! Poor Keeghan doesn't seem to know what's coming or going and is just totally off. I hope we get some sleep tonight and are feeling better come the end of the weekend!

Bowling fun

2010-02-25T17:39:00.004-05:00

It's school vacation week here so in an effort to do "something fun" we went bowling...

CNY Pictures

2010-02-16T20:23:00.002-05:00

Despite the stomach flu hitting our house hard (all 6 of us got it but it took a week to go through the house) we made it to the CAWLI Chinese New Year party. Complete chaos...tons of kids, adults, music, dancing, food, friends...a great day. Here's a few pictures:

February already?

2010-02-01T12:24:00.002-05:00

Time seems to be flying by. I know it's not. I'm trying to enjoy these 2 year old moments that Keeghan presents to me. I'm also trying to enjoy the teenage moments the 3 big kids present to me knowing full well that they'll be gone before I know it.

We're 13 months into parenting Keeghan and she is blending more and more into our family. I'm am still thinking about bonding and being sure Keeghan is getting what she needs but it's not the same pressing constant worry that it was. Sure, there are moments when I want to throw up because Keeghan wants to hug someone else or is willing to go to someone quicker than I would like but it's not as bad as it was. We're fast approaching what many say is a huge milestone...more time with us than without. Keeghan was a bit over 16 months when she was handed to me and we're at almost 14 months with us so soon. I was somehow or another ok with filling out and dropping off paperwork for pre-school and I talk about it like I'll enjoy it, but I'm pretty sure it's going to absolutely SUCK when I actually have to drop her off in 8 months. Hopefully that time will let me ease into it. I'm more at ease with saying goodbye when I need to go to work...even if Keeghan cries. Keeghan seems more willing to let me go as she is figuring out "Ma Ma BACK!" as she says when I get home.

We've found some other adoptive families near us that we're gonna try and do playgroup with...I'll let you know how that goes!

Random thoughts

2010-01-18T18:39:00.002-05:00

I haven't been very good about blogging. Partly because I don't really have a ton to say. Partly because I imagine you all get tired of reading about the same stuff. Partly cause I'm a busy Mom to 4 kids. There are a million reasons.

I think I'm starting to get my groove back. I'm forgetting less and less and managing to keep the house together and laundry done and all that stuff. It feels good to not be such a scatter brain. I'm not good at that and it frustrates me. Sleep has become a struggle again. Keeghan is waking several times a night. Not crying but simply yelling for me. At first it was once or twice and she'd typically go back to sleep quickly after either Doug or myself went to her. But then it became more and more often and there were nights we were running up and down the stairs a bunch of times and up for hours. I decided last week to go back to being the sleep nazi. Not really sure how to describe my technique. I don't really have a specific method. It's more just going with my gut on when to go in and when to let Keeghan yell "MA MA". It seems to have helped. The past few nights she's been up less. Not saying we're out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping. Last night was crappy all around as we had a stupid snowstorm which knocked out power at 3am. This meant we had not monitor so I felt a need to sleep closer to Keeghan's room on the couch so I could hear her but this also meant hearing every noise every kid made, and the plows getting stuck on the road in front of the house, and the kittens, and and and...I was up for the day at 3am. Hopefully tonight will mean some sleep...

My other major struggle of the moment is guilt on not being with Keeghan 24/7. I know she needs me but she is in perfectly safe and capable hands when she's not with me (mostly with her Dad). I, however, feel a need to RUSH home from whatever I may be doing when I'm not with her. I don't feel like I can grocery shop or run an errand without her. Which of course is very annoying. Trying to do errands with a 2 1/2 year old ends up taking 20x longer than it should and typically ends in frustration. I put her to bed every night (ok, Doug has put her to bed twice) and come bedtime I'm SO ready for her to be in bed. I don't feel like I ever get one on one time with any of the other kids which isn't fair to them or me. I do get out some Friday nights with my girlfriends after I've put Keeghan to bed and that is such needed time for me. But I long for the comfort of saying "I'm running to the grocery store" or "I'm working late" or "Carson and I are going...where ever" without the guilt.

Finally, we've sort of started potty training. Keeghan's been showing interest in the potty for a while now but I refuse to push this issue. I have been waiting for her to really get into it more than just going once or twice a week. The past few days she's been asking to go a bunch and staying pretty dry so we're running with it. I'm not pushing it. She can wear a diaper if she wants or underwear. We'll get there I'm sure in our own time.

2010

2010-01-06T18:08:00.002-05:00

It's so hard to believe that Keeghan has been home for a year already. 2009 was certainly a year of learning for all of us. I'd very much forgotten how tough it is to do anything with a toddler. I thought, perhaps, being older I'd be a bit less oh...psychotic about how I parent but that's not the case. I'm pretty insistent on keeping Keeghan on her schedule. I think it's good for kids to know what to expect when but it's very important for Keeghan to know how the day is going to go. She doesn't do well with surprises. I, do, however take the time to enjoy Keeghan's laugh or her fascination with the snow which I certainly did not do enough of with the big kids. I've learned that they grow up faster than you think and if you don't enjoy every stage (even the bad ones) you'll regret it.

I've learned that Keeghan is becoming more settled in her life with us. She'll actually kiss me goodbye when I have to go to work and seems to understand that I'll be back. She spends less time unhappy and more time laughing. She gets frustrated less and tries harder to communicate without screaming at us. She plays a bit by herself and doesn't need to be "on" me quite as much. It's fun to watch her grow.

I do still have some worries. Keeghan certainly loves all of us and I am typically her first choice but her attachment with Carson worries me a bit. If she is mad at me for putting her in a time-in (we don't isolate Keeghan for time outs, she sits next to the couch near us) she will often seek out Carson. I am working on ensuring she sees Carson as her sister and me as her Mother but it's sometimes a tough line. I love how close they are and don't want to infringe on their bonding but Keeghan needs to understand the difference between Ma Ma and Jie Jie and I'm not sure she always does. I also worry a bit about Keeghan's reaction to getting hurt. She does cry and react if she's hurt (which she didn't at first) but if I pick her up and try and comfort her she doesn't really accept the comfort yet. She allows me to hold her and talk to her but she certainly doesn't seem to take comfort in that. I imagine it's just that she isn't used to being comforted and will come with time and effort just as "cuddling" has but it's something that I have my eyes open to. I know things will grow and change as Keeghan does and I hope I can do the right thing to help her grow up happy and healthy.

Hope everyone has a terrific 2010!

Pictures

2009-12-26T11:38:00.003-05:00

Christmas traditions...

Christmas Eve each of the kids gets new "Christmas Jammies" to wear to bed.

And then they each get a new ornament to hang on the tree...we try and get something that is appropriate to the kid for that particular year.

Hanging our stockings...

Christmas morning opening gifts...

Enjoying our new guitar...being a rockstar : )

Christmas 2009

2009-12-25T19:34:00.002-05:00

Christmas last year was great just because I'd made it home from China with Keeghan so we were all together. Keeghan and I were jet lagged and still adjusting to US time. Keeghan was still totally overwhelmed with all the changes that were going on but it was great to have her home for Christmas.

This year was great fun! Keeghan kinda gets the whole Christmas thing. She was excited for presents (and was just asking me for more presents!) and had fun playing with her new things. It took a good 5 hours for her to get all her things opened this morning. Not because there were so many things but because she wanted to play and for the most part we let her. No need to force her to rip through presents and not enjoy her new things. Keeghan is just catching on to things being "MINE" and I think she likes the idea. Some of the big hits of the day were the Tickle Me Elmo, an "electric" guitar, a Fisher Price laptop, and a play microwave.

Keeghan was up on the early side...as usual. Carson was up with her and Kennedy was up soon after so we sent Keeghan to wake up her brother so we could enjoy Christmas morning together. Keeghan knocked on Devon's door, opened it and promptly went "boom" onto Devon. So much for a gentle wake up! The big kids were terrific about getting up nicely and they got stuff they loved so everyone had a good morning.

I hope everyone had a great holiday and had a chance to spend time with their families and friends today...I know I did! I do have pictures but I'll post those another time as I need to get the little princess off to bed.

Bonding and attachment a year later...

2009-12-16T19:07:00.002-05:00

I've talked a bunch about attachment and bonding over the past year. Not cause it's fun but because it's work. It's work with bio kids too...just not as thought about. All those middle of the night feedings and diaper changes and walking carrying a baby...all in the name of bonding and attachment. Letting them learn that you'll be there to take care of them even if you're fall down tired or sick or sick and tired of it. That (typically) works in a newborn adoption as well but a toddler (or older child) gets that they are no longer with whomever was taking care of them and you have to win them over. Not in the treats and toys sense (though fun games and food certainly help) but in the I'm here to take care of you no matter how much you don't want it sense.

Keeghan came to me screaming and kicking. She was very reserved and not cuddly at all. I was allowed to carry her and feed her because I was all she had. I've done what I can to reassure her that she will always have food. That I will always take care of her. That hitting is not ok. That listening gets you what you want (more often than not) where as screaming and running off don't. I've worked to give Keeghan space and not force physical affection on her. I've put her to bed 370ish nights and gotten up countless times at 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 (or all of those)A.M. I've shared candy from my mouth to hers to sneak eye contact and kisses. I've stuck stickers all over our faces to make eye contact. I've carried her 30-35lb frame more often than not. I limited her contact with others and am still hesitant to let her go to other people. There are still only a few people outside our family I allow to hold Keeghan. She still isn't sure of physical boundaries with others so limiting who holds her or has physical contact with her is still important.

We had some trouble over the past month with my working too much. I think it was affecting Keeghan so I cut back to be home to put her down for naps and be home when she gets up (most days). It was also becoming clear that Keeghan was using Carson as a surrogate Ma Ma which is not good. There are times we have to physically separate them to be sure Keeghan comes to me or Doug for what she needs. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE that my girls love one another and Carson is a HUGE help but she is NOT Keeghan's Ma Ma and we have to make sure Keeghan knows that no matter how hard it is.

I think it's all paid off. Keeghan finally cuddles up to me when I put her to bed. She rubs her face against mine and plays with my hair. She'll sink into my lap instead of just sitting on it. She'll actually hug me when she puts her arms around me and hold on like she means it. She runs to me when I get home from work. She looks for me to go to bed and when she's not happy. She often tucks her head into me if a stranger says hi and she is typically hesitant with people she doesn't know. She seems happy and is growing and learning. I hope we can continue to meet her needs and answer her questions and help her grow into a terrific young woman. One year home is just the beginning. There is still much work to do but there is plenty of work with all the kids if we are to consider ourselves successful parents.

1 Year "Gotcha" Anniversary

2009-12-08T20:18:00.002-05:00

A year ago today I was handed a screaming, kicking, pushing toddler who wanted NOTHING to do with a Ma Ma. Today I've got a (mostly) happy, hugging, kissing, hand holding, strong willed toddler that we love from here to the moon (and maybe back). We celebrated this anniversary by having dinner with some travel mates which was great! The girls enjoyed eating, playing with stickers, taking pictures and even yelling a bit while we had some great Chinese food. A wonderful way to celebrate this past year. I do have some attachment stuff to post about but not right now. Just want to enjoy our gotcha anniversary!

Traded

2009-12-01T21:22:00.002-05:00

Keeghan's been home almost a year now. We've worked hard to assure her we are here for her and will not leave her on her own. We've set appropriate limits, given tons of love and hugs and kisses, spent hours awake at night hoping for everyone to sleep, watched Keeghan learn to laugh and play and love...all the joys that come with the first year of parenthood.

As Keeghan and I have become more secure, I've been working more. Especially now that Christmas is approaching. I worked close to 40 hours last week (YIKES...it's been literally a year since that's happened) and Keeghan has had lots of Ba Ba, Jie Jie, and Ge Ge time. As a result, Ma Ma has been traded in! Keeghan is so much more willing to go with Doug over me and doesn't seem to have a need to be "on me" constantly. As a result, I'm worried about our bonding and attachment. I'd like to think it's a good thing that she's willing to branch out a bit but I worry that she's feeling abandoned by her Ma Ma.

Bonding is hard work. Taking the time to stop whatever I'm doing to be sure Keeghan and I can make eye contact or I can carry her or cuddle with her or getting up 5 times between 2 and 4 a.m. makes some days very long. But, having my princess run to me to give me a hug when I get home from work or pick her up after some time at the gym is amazing! 12 short months ago this little girl was VERY unhappy to be handed to me. Rightfully so. I've worked hard to teach her that I love her and will take care of her and I hope she's learning that I mean it.

We are so lucky that Keeghan was cared for as well as she was in the orphanage. A 16 month old walking and talking little girl coming from institutionalized care is amazing. I've seen children much older who can just pull themselves up and don't have the strength so do much else. I've seen children with rope marks on their bodies from being tied to their cribs or potty chairs. This is not to say Keeghan doesn't carry "scars" of her time in an orphanage. She does. We'll work hard to help her through them and to heal what we can but I think it's very important to remember that though Keeghan is with us and we love her, that doesn't negate the first 16 months of her life (or the 9 months she spent in her birth Mother's belly).

Thankful

2009-11-26T17:48:00.002-05:00

I'm thankful for...

...a husband who puts our daughter's hair in pig tails, likes to cook, and puts up with me.

...my 14 year old son who will still hug and kiss me goodnight, plays a mean guitar and drums, and is an amazing big brother.

...my 12 year old daughter who's a kick ass soccer player, a beautiful young woman, and a leader at school.

...my 10 year old daughter who is comfortable in her own skin, a fierce competitor, and the best big sister Keeghan could ever have.

...my 2 year old princess who makes me laugh during the day, keeps me up at night, and is the perfect completion to our family.

...the best friend a girl could ask for who always has my back, can always make me laugh, and loves my kids as much as I do.

...the amazing families I travelled to China with. I hope you are all enjoying your first Thanksgiving home with your girls!

...my little sister who is going through some tough stuff but is still as beautiful as always.

...many co-workers that I love.

...the ability to hit the gym or go for a run everyday.

...all that adoption has brought to our family.

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving!

This time last year...

2009-11-23T16:25:00.002-05:00

I was a maniac. Packing and re-packing and packing again. And working and working and working. It's so hard to believe that Keeghan has been with us for almost a year. I totally remember this time last year putting a ton of paperwork together, getting my Visa, trying to get everything for Keeghan and I in one bag under 44lbs. Now, Keeghan is here and we're getting ready for the holidays. Last year was such a hustle of Thanksgiving and Christmas is a jet lagged blur for me. I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year. Having a toddler in the house again will be fun. We're starting to talk up the Christmas tree and presents and Santa in the hopes that she'll have a clue. We went and visited Santa at the mall last night and it went...ok. Keeghan wasn't fond of the idea of sitting on Santa's lap even with her brother and sisters. So we ended up sitting the girls in Santa's chair while Devon and Santa stood up to the side to get a picture. All good with me. I have no need to traumatize my kids over a picture, but I am glad we got one.

And we even gave Santa a fist bump...after he gave us candy!

A Year of Firsts

2009-11-11T08:08:00.003-05:00

Our first year with Keeghan is slowly coming to an end. We've had a first Christmas, first words, first time sleeping in her crib, first time on a slide, first Easter, first trip to the beach, first hug and kiss and we still have a few firsts to come. Keeghan was home for Christmas last year but I honestly don't really remember last Christmas so I'm pretty sure Keeghan doesn't either. We'd only been home a week and jet lag was still killing us. Keeghan opened presents and seemed to enjoy that but this year I really think will be fun. The other day in the mall Keeghan spotted the huge wreaths hung from the ceiling with red and green Christmas balls on them...she looked up and said "Ohhhhhhh". I'm sure as more decorations show up she'll be more excited about them. She loves to cook so baking will be, ah fun? I'm sure she'll want to be in the thick of it. And I really can't wait to see the kids Christmas morning. I think the big kids will be excited to watch Keeghan open her gifts. We're looking forward to celebrating one year as a family of 6...and many more firsts with our littlest princess.

Mine!

2009-11-05T20:14:00.002-05:00

That's Keeghan's new word. Most Moms don't want their 2 year old announcing "MINE" about things because they can be obstinate little things when it comes to words like mine and no. I, however, am thrilled that Keeghan has learned "mine". She spent 16 months in an orphanage where nothing was hers. She shared everything I'm sure. I saw the room she got to play in and there were probably 15 toys in there...and at least 10 kids. So, this morning, when she told me her lollipop was "mine". I smiled and said, "Yes, that's yours.".

Keeghan has also started to become possessive of me : ) If one of the other kids is getting my attention while I'm holding Keeghan she gets a bit annoyed. Carson gave me a hug yesterday while Keeghan was on my lap and Keeghan yelled "NO" and tried to hit Carson. I told Keeghan that I was Carson's Mama too and we could share...that I love Keeghan but that I love Carson too. Then we had a group hug : )

We are certainly seeing more of a 2 year old personality coming out. Devon asked me tonight why Keeghan was being so difficult. I'm certainly not 100% sure but I suspect now that she is comfortable with us and feels safe that she is willing to be a 2 year old...throwing a fit when she's not getting her way or telling you "NO" if she doesn't like something. BUT we also get to see the fun side of Keeghan as well. Her smile lights up her face and her giggle is contagious. She's an amazing little girl and we are so lucky to have her as ours.

Halloween

2009-11-02T12:05:00.003-05:00

We are having a tough tough week. I'm not sure if Keeghan isn't feeling well or is cutting teeth or if it's something else but I pretty much have to be standing up holding Keeghan for her not to be screaming. I get a break or two here and there but these moments of her "losing it" are very difficult. Keeghan doesn't have the verbal skills to tell us what's wrong and much to my dismay I'm not a mind reader. She hasn't been sleeping well and is getting up really early. It's tough. I'm hoping it's just teeth or whatever cold is going around and we'll be over it soon.

The princess did go out trick or treating for a bit Saturday night. She certainly loves "nandy" so that made it all worth it for her. She did NOT love the Tinkerbell dress, but I sure did : ) She looked dang cute and did a great job of saying "trick or treat" and "thenk you".

Pumpkin Pictures

2009-10-24T09:22:00.004-04:00

This past Wednesday the big kids were all home early from school and it was a BEAUTIFUL day so we went to a local farm to see some animals, check out the pumpkins, and run around a hay bale maze...

Kennedy, Devon, Carson and KeeghanKeeghan checking out a pumpkin And blowing kisses...
Which she does with great emotion..

Kennedy

Devon

Keeghan...

I didn't get a good picture of Carson alone : (

What a long day

2009-10-23T16:02:00.002-04:00

I sort of saw it coming. Keeghan was up at 3:30am the other morning. Thankfully she went back to bed within a half hour. I did hear her singing again at about 5 but she stayed in bed until 6. Then yesterday she woke up from her nap wailing which isn't how it normally goes. It took me a few minutes to get her calmed down. She slept last night but this morning was a bit demanding and it escalated to all out hysteria by the time we left the gym. We got home and she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried to shower and she stood holding the curtain open screaming. I got dressed and picked her up trying to calm her down which got me no where. I sat in the rocking chair holding her, hugging her, telling her "it's ok". I asked if she wanted to eat or sleep but it was very clear she just wanted to cry. This happens sometimes. It sucks because I feel so totally helpless. We went out to do a few errands and that was ok. The all out crying stopped but the incessant asking of whatever she wanted went on and on and on. Thankfully, Keeghan crashed in the car on the way home and napped for another 45 minutes. BUT she woke up crying again. I sat her on my lap while she whined for me to stand up but still could not calm her down. Finally I took her out for a walk to meet Kennedy at the bus and that helped right until I tried to come back in the house to put up new toy storage and clean up her room. Devon was good enough to take her back out for a bit and then Kennedy took her out to swing but we're right back at the whining/crying not wanting anything but to be held while I stand. Carson just had her for a minute but that went downhill quick so my posting time is over.

Mommy gut

2009-10-13T18:31:00.004-04:00

I tell people all the time my best parenting advice is to listen to your gut and do what's right for you and your family. Listen to all the advice people will give. Digest it. And then go with your gut. That said, my gut is telling me we still have some serious attachment work to do with Keeghan.

I see little things that can turn to bigger ones that are red flags. They could be things that could be passed off as 2 year old behaviour. Keeghan's 2...she's allowed to act it. BUT some of those things that can be passed off as "she's just 2" are also things that indicate some anxious attachment. My gut tells me I need to be careful and pay attention to these things and not pass them off as 2 year old behaviour.

This, however, at 10 months home is tough. Early on it was easy to tell people please don't pick her up or feed her. And honestly she was pretty much stuck to me. But now, I just look a bit crazy when saying those things and Keeghan is a bit more willing to venture off a bit. I do want Keeghan to broaden her horizons and venture out a bit but I don't want her far from me and I don't want anyone and everyone picking her up or giving her food or touching her in general. I have done alot of work over the past 10 months to be sure Keeghan feels safe with me and I don't want to back track now. Keeghan still needs to know I will answer her when she needs me and that I'll make sure she is safe and has food...etc, etc. I think, after almost a year with us it's easy for everyone to forget that Keeghan has lost more in her 2 years than alot of people do in their lives. She lived without us for almost 17 months...17 important months of her life. Babies learn early whether or not they will be answered when they cry. Whether or not it's worth it to get upset when they're hurt or sad. 10 months of my version of Mama love is not going to reverse that. It's a tough line to walk between 2 year old and 10 month old. All the literature tells you that with an adoptive child you need to turn back the clock to 0 when they come to you in terms of bonding and attachment and go from there. So, in those terms, I need to treat Keeghan like a 10 month old where limit setting isn't so necessary. Unfortunately, limit setting is VERY necessary with a 2 year old. It's difficult.

I'm still trying to let Keeghan decide how much physical affection she is willing to give. She says good night to everyone before bed but it's up to her whether it's with a hug or a kiss or a knuckle bump. Hugs and kisses aren't contingent upon anything...nor are knuckle bumps, high fives, or pats on the back. I will sometimes plant a kiss on Keeghan without her permission per say but I am the Mama...and I get to trust my gut.

Just some pictures

2009-10-10T14:57:00.001-04:00

Thought provoking

2009-10-01T20:06:00.002-04:00

There is a story that just hit NBC about an adoptive parent who gave up her son after 18 months. She says they were not attaching and therefore she was unable to parent him. I'm not writing to judge this Mother. I have not walked in her shoes and do not know what did or did not happen for them. BUT this story has made me think about my story...

It happens this Mother also has biological children (as I do) and her issue was that she was not connecting with her adopted child on a "visceral level" as she had with her bio kids. Attachment, for me, with the bio kids was different each time. One of them, I took care of and loved, but really didn't like very much for a long time. Attachment was a longer process in that case. There is nothing, however, like a baby looking in your eyes and smiling at you. Or getting excited when you greet them in the morning or after their nap. The bio kids we hugged, kissed, and cuddled from day 1. We did some co-sleeping. I nursed each of them. There was lots of bonding and attachment going on that first year. We knew going in that we were behind the 8 ball with Keeghan. We hoped she'd had consistent care in the orphanage and that she'd bonded with someone. We read, we asked questions, we talked to other parents, we talked to our social workers, we wondered...and we waited.

Keeghan was less than amused to be handed to me (she wailed and kicked at me to get away actually) and wasn't taking anything as bribery. I knew our work was cut out for us. She slowly accepted I was it in China because there was no other choice. If she wanted food, clothes, and diaper changes she was dealing with me. We did what we thought was right when Keeghan and I came home. No one, but us, were allowed to feed, change, bath, or comfort her. We took it a bit further and did not allow anyone else to hold her either. We answered her crys and calls without hesitation. She didn't wait for anything. I certainly wasn't loved but I was good for what she needed. For a while "Mama" was just a random word that got an answer. It's now evolved to mean me. We are making progress, I know we are. BUT some days I feel like Keeghan is still not quite ok with this whole situation. It's not her fault. She's been through more in her 2 years than most people deal with in 20. She gets excited when I come to get her at the gym daycare and she'll run for me, but then she stops dead and says "Mama". I long for her to run to me and throw her arms around me. I wish she wasn't as excited to kiss the kitten as she is to kiss me (ok, honestly sometimes the kittens get more love than I do). I wish she would let me comfort her more when she gets hurt. I wish she'd settle her head onto my shoulder and fall asleep when she's tired. I wish she knew what "Mama" really means, or what family means, or what having a home/house means...heck I wish she understood when I tell her "I love you...Wo ai ni". Do these things mean we haven't bonded? No, I don't think so. I think it means we are working on it. Does it suck? Sure it does. Do I blame Keeghan? No way.

Are there days I wonder what we've done? Sure, but I'm 99.9% sure I'd have those days had we chosen to have another biological child. Heck I had those days with the first kid! Was I #1 for my bio kids by the time they were 9 months old...pretty sure their Dad and I ruled their worlds. I'm not so sure we are that to Keeghan yet. I hope, that someday we will be but for now I take what we've got. I made a commitment to be Keeghan's forever Mama...in good times and bad, in sickness and health, til death do us part and I meant it.

Sleep and attachment...again

2009-09-30T11:33:00.004-04:00

I know I complain alot. It's what I'm good at, really. I feel like Keeghan is attaching. I know our work isn't done and things will continue to evolve and change as time goes on. Keeghan is becoming more and more physically affectionate with us as time goes on but I still do not insist on hugs or kisses from her. I don't like asking her for them and I cringe when other people do. I'm pretty happy that Keeghan won't go to people she doesn't really know. Someone she's seen a few times tried to get Keeghan to come to her yesterday and Keeghan didn't. That's ok. She does seem a bit too happy to greet random people sometimes when we're out which of course everyone thinks is cute. I, however, think it's stressful. I would prefer she not feel a need to fistbump (knuckle bump...whatever you want to call it) everyone in a room when we leave. It's ok that she wants to do so with someone we know but having to do it with everyone in sight is bothersome and I try not to let her. Maybe limiting who she's allowed to have physical contact with seems over the edge to some but knowing that we're still having some sleep problems (there have been less full nights of sleep over the past month than nights of waking) and that Keeghan is very clingy with me after I've worked or something tells me we still have some serious attachment work to do. Every kid is different...bio, adopted, fostered...whatever and you have to go with your Mommy gut on this stuff. Too bad my Mommy body doesn't do so well sleep deprived.

Broken...

2009-09-22T11:25:00.002-04:00

I have not one but two broken kids right now. Kennedy got cleaned out at a soccer game last week and then again on Saturday so off we went to the Dr Saturday night. X-rays said possible break in the thumb. 2 splints later we were off. I got a call this morning that the radiologist didn't think there was a real break so she could take the splint off most of the time but to wear it playing soccer. Great. Then, yesterday, I get a call from the school nurse that Carson took a fall on the playground and hurt her arm. It was almost dismissal time so I waited for Carson to get home before calling the Dr but as soon as I saw her I knew I was calling. Off we went at 8pm last night...more x-rays and a suspected tiny buckle fracture in her wrist. They splinted it with half a cast and ace bandages and I'm supposed to hear today if we need to see an ortho Dr or not. I'm thinking if anyone else breaks anything DSS might be stopping by!

On a Keeghan note...we still aren't sleeping great but I think she's cutting some molars so that might have something to do with it. Of course even if she's just up for a few minutes I can't go back to sleep and am up most of the night. We're doing better with the gym, thank goodness, but I'm still worried because I'm the Mommy. I think 3/4 of my problem with all this adjusting is the adjustment of having a toddler again. I was used to having 3 big, mostly self sufficient kids. I could run an errand in 10 minutes and lock myself in my room if I needed a nap but I can't do that now and I'm not ok with it. I know it won't last forever and I'm trying really really really hard to enjoy those 2 year old moments (like jumping off every curb we come to) because I don't want to miss out. Maybe keeping these thoughts in my head will help. It is also helping that Keeghan doesn't flip out anymore when I say bye to go to work. I typically get a kiss and a "bye bye" which makes it so much easier to leave. It's also nice that Keeghan is better about hanging with her Baba these days and doesn't insist on me 24/7. And having a great friend who is willing to be the Keeghan entertainment committee is a serious bonus! Girls night out is also a big help! All in all it's getting better but I really thought it would happen faster than this!

I thought...

2009-09-13T18:28:00.003-04:00

There was a few days there, that I thought, maybe that I had my groove back. I was getting stuff done. Having fun hanging with Keeghan. Getting everyone where they needed to be. Threw a party without screwing anything up too bad. I was wrong. I was just having a good few days. The past week has been very very tough. Keeghan is not ok with being left at the gym daycare all of a sudden which means me getting my workout involves running everyday and I like my time at the gym. She's been up a bunch at night and is giving me trouble about going to bed. I know it's probably the change in routine...the big kids are back at school, soccer is in full swing, I'm working one day during the week...I know. But knowing doesn't make it easier. I almost think it makes it harder. Harder because I question are these things happening because of the routine change?...or is she just being a normal 2 year old who doesn't want her Mama to leave?...cranky because she's cutting teeth?...or are we experiencing some anxious attachment? I honestly don't know what it is and don't think I have a way to really find out. Sure I can read about other adoptive parents experiences, I can read blogs and books and internet boards, but until Keeghan can tell us what's going on we won't know. I sometimes wonder if I've totally screwed up in all of this. Did I ruin all the kids lives by adding a 4th to our family? Should I have left well enough alone? Can I effectively parent these kids with all their differences? You'd think after almost 9 months home these questions would be fading not weighing heavier on me. Am I being tough on myself because I feel like I owe it to Keeghan? What about the other 3 kids whose lives got flipped upside down? What about me? What about Doug? Can someone wave their magic wand and make it all better please?

A few pictures

2009-09-11T07:42:00.005-04:00

Busy, Busy, Busy

2009-09-10T13:53:00.003-04:00

That's what we've been! Summer came to a quick end when the soccer season started and now that we're back to school as well I'm always on the go. Devon is settling into high school well. He's enjoying playing soccer and they've gone 1-2 so far but their first 4 games of the season are against the toughest teams in the league so to even have won one is great! Kennedy is enjoying 7th grade and playing soccer at school as well as on a travel team. Her first school game is today and I'm looking forward to seeing her play...I love watching that girl on the soccer field. There are 2 tough nights a week for her as she has school practice until 5 and then travel practice starts at 6 and goes until 7:30 so by the time she gets home and showers and eats she still has homework to do. She's done well so far and I'll hope it continues. Devon has had a few of those nights too...one this week where her didn't get home from his game until 8:30, tired, hungry and with homework to do. Carson's getting to like 5th grade. It's her last year of elementary school which is a bit sad for me. She's playing travel soccer as well and we'll see what else this year brings for her! While I do miss having help around the house I'm enjoying some quiet time with Keeghan these days. She seems to be having a tough time adjusting to this new schedule and is being really clingy. Yesterday when I tried to leave her at the gym daycare she freaked out and they had to come get me out of kickbox class : ( I guess we'll just have to work back up to where we were. I try and re-assure her that "Mama will always come back" but after a few losses in her short life I don't blame her for being worried. I'm hoping it's just a short adjustment we're going through and not 2 year old separation anxiety too.

We had a great Labor Day cookout to celebrate Keeghan's birthday with family and friends and Keeghan did really well with all the chaos. I expected her to be stuck to me the whole day but that was not the case. She had fun jumping on the trampoline with some cousins and a travel-mate. She loved eating the cake but still would not blow out candles : ( Maybe next year! I'll post some of those pictures when I get a minute, but they're not on this computer so it'll have to wait!

Summer flew by

2009-08-26T18:46:00.004-04:00

Summer is quickly drawing to an end. The first few weeks were so rainy and crummy that I was looking forward to getting every minute of good weather out of the rest of the summer. It seems, however, that although school doesn't start until next week, school sports started last week. Devon's had 2 a day practices, a jamboree, and a scrimmage and Kennedy had tryouts today as well. It has sent me back into the school run around sooner than I anticipated. I was hoping for a quiet last week hanging with the kids and hitting the beach : (

Keeghan has taken to the running around ok so far. We have a few tough nights as far as sleep goes this week (one night we were up for a good 3 hours) and she's been a bit demanding on being held...alot. There have been a few bad car moments of late too where she SCREECHES at the top of her lungs until we all end up screaming back. It's tough for the kids (and me) to try and ignore her and I've certainly had some crappy Mommy moments over this. But really, I have those moments anyway.

I think we're moving forward on bonding. Keeghan runs to me when I come home from work or pick her up from the gym daycare. I bonded quicker with Keeghan than I did with at least one of the other kids which strikes me as odd, but it is what it is. There are certainly days where I'm willing to give her away but I feel that way about all of them sometimes! Keeghan will bury her face in my shoulder if a stranger says hi to her and we are getting more and more hugs and kisses. One of Keeghan's new fun tricks is to push Doug and I together to kiss when she says goodbye to him and kisses him. At first I had no clue what she was doing but then we figure out she wanted us to kiss and say goodbye. She also "fist bumps" and has to do it with ANYONE near her once she does it with one person. It's cute and a good way for her to learn it's ok to kiss some people but not everyone.

Her vocabulary is growing a bit but she is not putting words together at all and it is difficult to get her to try and repeat what we say. Many things that she says sound the same and are difficult to understand. She has learned "soccer" though LOL. We were working on "Go purple" today at Devon's game but that didn't work out so good. Keeghan can also identify shapes...triangle, square, circle and star but we're pretty much the only ones who can understand the words.

I am feeling a tiny bit less like a prisoner. I'm working about 16 hours a week and being out of the house and feeling useful helps. I certainly still miss being able to go where I want when I want. It takes an extra 20 minutes to get anywhere just to get Keeghan in shoes and the car and then out of the car and then in the car...you get the idea. The big kids are AMAZING with her and play with her a ton but I'm not comfortable leaving them to babysit for her unless she's in bed for the night. I'm taking advantage of that a bit now as I know in another few years they will all be off with their friends non-stop and I'll have to hire babysitters! It is nice, though, for Doug and I to be able to get out once in a while. I do still long for my organized, together, self that I seem to have left in China. I can't totally find the "new normal" for us which stresses me out. Maybe once we're settled back into a school routine I'll get there...then again I've been hoping for that since we got home and haven't done it yet.

This is what Doug and I did with one of our nights out...

It translates to "destined to meet" and anyone in the world of a China adoption will understand the meaning and the red thread. If you don't...read the quote at the top right hand corner of my blog.

Just some pictures

2009-08-22T20:29:00.001-04:00

Bragging

2009-08-21T08:45:00.002-04:00

Just for a minute. About Devon. He's going to be a Freshman this year and he made the school soccer team. And even sort of the Varsity team. We live in a pretty big city so we have 2 high schools but even so there are alot of kids in competition for the coveted sports slots like soccer and football. Devon's been playing soccer on and off since 2nd grade and Doug's coached him a bunch. Anyway, he came off the field from tryouts the other night saying he was going to be the JV starting keeper because he was the Varsity back up keeper but they didn't want him sitting on the bench the whole season so he was going to play JV too. And he meant TOO. He's now practicing with both teams and is going to a jamboree on Sunday with the varsity team. We're very proud of him for making the team!

8 Months...

2009-08-17T08:18:00.003-04:00

...ago today Keeghan and I landed back on US soil. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year already. Some days I feel like she's been here forever and other days it seems very odd to me that we've had her so long and I still don't know her. We've had her 1/3 of her life now.

A year ago (the 15th actually) we got a phone call at 5:20pm on a Friday afternoon from our agency that our pre-approval (PA) had arrived from China. The PA basically says the CCAA had approved our application to adopt Keeghan and once they went through our dossier with a fine tooth comb they'd issue a letter of approval and travel approval for us to bring Keeghan home. It was once we had our PA that we were able to share the news of our new addition. It was a tough 2 weeks waiting once we'd sent our letter of intent. I was ready to shout from rooftops that we had a new daughter but knew I needed to wait.

We still seem to be doing ok attachment wise. Keeghan certainly does not like it when I say bye to go to work and she gets excited to see me when I come back. She asks for everyone to say goodnight when she's going to bed and gets a bit sad looking if one of her siblings or her Baba aren't here. She is certainly a demanding stubborn little girl but I guess that makes her fit in all that much better.

Speech is still very much an issue. Keeghan generally won't make an effort to try and repeat a word if you ask her to and much of what she says is very difficult to understand. She's not even close to putting words together. It's very clear that she knows exactly what she's saying and what she wants but sometimes I just have no clue : ( She understands us well and follows directions when asked. I'm really not sure where the expressive language breakdown is...it could still be the barrier of Chinese to English but I'm starting to suspect it's more than that. We'll keep at it with early intervention and at home in general and hopefully start seeing some progress.

Pictures

2009-08-08T16:42:00.003-04:00

Playing simon says with Ge Ge

NOOOOOO, not a wave!

Oh this is fun!

Mugging...

and more mugging...

Carson and Kennedy trying hard to convince Keeghan boogie boarding is fun.

Crab release

Kennedy

Digging in the sand

Jumping with my baby.

Some numbers...

2009-08-06T07:12:00.002-04:00

At her dr's appt yesterday Keeghan weighed in at 31.6lbs and measured 35.5" tall. For real??? She's gained 6.5lbs since we got home in December and grown 2.5 inches. I'm thinking Devon, Kennedy and Carson didn't hit the 30lb mark until they were 4 or so. No wonder I hurt all over...it's from carrying monster baby!

Birthday Pictures

2009-07-30T12:25:00.002-04:00

So a year ago today we wrote a letter that would change our lives. It said... please can we adopt Yin NianShuang and make her our daughter. We will love her forever and always and give her everything we can. We promised to get her medical care for her lymphedema and spelled out what that would entail. We ensured them we have medical insurance and sent along a few family photos as well. Doug and I were up til almost midnight getting this done. There was another form we had to fill out as well...as if we hadn't already filled out a million forms and sent pictures but really, that didn't matter. Keeghan had worked her way into our hearts and we would have written a novel if that's what it took. It's hard to believe it was a year ago...

The Birthday GirlThis is how we went about the cake...

And opening our present

And jumping...and jumping...and jumping

Keeghan's Cake

2009-07-29T17:15:00.001-04:00

Keeghan did not love the candles and wouldn't blow them out but she was all about eating frosting!

Happy Birthday Keeghan!

2009-07-29T08:12:00.002-04:00

The day I got Keeghan..12/8/08

And some pictures from the past few days...

She's changed so much! Happy Birthday beautiful girl...we love you!!

TWO

2009-07-28T18:19:00.003-04:00

I love that little girl!!

Keeghan's birthday is tomorrow. She'll be 2. Last year as she was turning 1 we were still in a debate about whether or not lymphedema and Keeghan were to become part of our lives. We were pretty sure but didn't commit until the day after her birthday. This year she's here with us and probably getting her first chance to celebrate a birthday. She obviously has no clue what that means but we do and it matters to me that we celebrate. The cake is baked, the frosting made, and I'll put it all together so we can sing Happy Birthday and light candles tomorrow.

As her birthday approaches I'm a bit sad that she's going to be 2 and not really a baby anymore (pretty sure, however, I'll still be referring to her as "the baby") and I wonder about her birthmother. I wonder if 7/29/07 is really the day Keeghan was born. I wonder about her Mother's labor...was she alone? was Keeghan's birth Father there too? was it long? short? was Keeghan born early? late? on time? were her birthparent's excited? or did they know they would not be able to keep Keeghan with them? was she born in the morning? or in the evening? was it hot? rainy? These are all things I can tell you easily about the births of my other 3 children but questions I'll never have answers to about Keeghan and that makes me a bit sad. Guess we'll just have to enjoy the joy that Keeghan brings us and show her how to celebrate a birthday...and look forward to all the other birthdays we'll have with her.

7 months

2009-07-21T11:58:00.003-04:00

Keeghan's been with us for 7 months now. We still have good days and bad days. It actually seems to happen that we'll have a good couple of weeks and then a bad one. And a bad week usually means Keeghan is very clingy with me all day and then does not sleep well either which makes me VERY cranky. I do get a bit more of a break these days since the big kids are home for the summer and they can sometimes distract her even when she's being overly cranky.

It seems, however, after we have one of those tough weeks we end up a bit ahead of where we might have been attachment wise before said week. We're just getting past a bad week (last night was the first night that Keeghan wasn't impossible to get to bed and then up at all hours) and she's been pretty cuddly with me today. Earlier she scared herself by flipping backwards while I was holding her and almost falling out of my arms. She was pretty dramatic about the crying afterwards so after a couple minutes of comforting her I took my hand off her back to do something else (while still holding her) and she grabbed my hand and put it back on her back so I could rub it and put her head on my shoulder. She is not typically that interested in cuddling like that with me. I do get some of that when I put her to bed and she'll settle into me once in a while while reading a book, but overall, she's not cuddly.

Affection is another thing that we're still working on. I refuse to force hugs and kisses and cuddles. She generally calls to everyone to kiss them goodnight before bed and will typically kiss Doug when he leaves for work in the morning but we don't insist on it if she isn't interested. We do make sure we touch and make physical contact as much as possible and try to make the contact positive. I carry Keeghan alot and have since I got her. She's heavy (30lbs) and all the carrying is taking a toll on my back and wrists. I'm pretty sure I've developed carpal tunnel in my right wrist and my back is telling me all this baby carrying isn't so good but I need to be doing what's best for Keeghan so I'll keep at it.

Keeghan's had some fun adventures over the past few weeks. Doug put the bike seat on my bike and has taken her for a few rides. She likes that and loves going for a run with me in the jogging stroller (she'll sometimes climb in the stroller and ask to go for a run). We've been to the beach a few times and Keeghan is enjoying that more...the big kids will dig her a hole and fill it with water to play in. She's not a fan of the ocean but does like jumping in a puddle of water : ) Doug also took the kids out in kayaks last weekend and Keeghan seemed to enjoy that as well. We still let her take the lead on whether or not she's willing to try something out. Generally if you give her enough time to warm up to an idea she'll try it out.

She was certainly meant to be ours...she loves to dance and listen to music, is VERY persistent, likes to eat, loves to be on the go and likes water in small doses : )

Catching up

2009-07-13T16:36:00.004-04:00

I'll try and catch up on all that's been going on but I'm sure I'll forget a million things...

I'm still reading that toddler adoption book (The Weaver's Craft). It's tough to read with a toddler in the house! I love to read but when I only get through a sentence before my attention is required I just get annoyed. I'm about halfway through and it's a great resource...if you are considering/are/or have adopted a toddler you should have this book.

Keeghan continues to amaze us. I have said to several people at this point that if someone had dragged me halfway around the world to a place that looked different, smelled different, everyone talks different, and the food was all different I would not be NEARLY as happy as Keeghan is a mere 7 months later. We continue to do our best to keep her from getting overwhelmed with too much. If we have an especially busy day or two I try and make sure Keeghan gets extra time in my arms and that we have a quiet day or two at home after those busy days. She is coming to like her Baba more and has even tried to trade me in for him twice. I was headed out with her and she said "bye bye" to him but then wanted to go to him where she then told ME "bye bye"!! I was a bit taken back as nothing close to that has happened before but I guess it's good she's starting to like him : ) I'm working 8 hours on Sundays now too so she gets Baba all day and he puts her for her nap and everything. So far so good with that.

Keeghan is still not so fond of most strangers. She will sometimes say "hi" or "bye bye" but other times she'll bury her head in my legs or cover her eyes with her hand if someone talks to her. We also have an issue that once in a while she will walk up to someone and hit them...but it's only if they are turned away from her. Not sure where that habit came from and I don't like it one bit but I'm sure we'll figure it out.

Keeghan is very clever and only needs to see something once to be able to attempt it. Of course 99% of the time it's something we don't want her to attempt! Language seems to be a big exception to this rule. We're still having a tough time communicating and Keeghan's way of dealing is to yell the same thing over and over and over until we guess what she wants which is VERY irritating. You can put me in the bad mommy pile over that one because I sometimes end up yelling back before guessing correctly. The pitch of her screech is gut ripping and it's all I can do not to just run and hide when it starts. We're using some signs which does help but I can certainly see how Keeghan got attention from her nannies! She's a very insistent/persistent little girl.

Sleeping is still ok. She goes down for bed or a nap without much struggle. Sometimes we cry a bit so Mama or Baba come back to tuck us in and Keeghan does still wake at night at least once a week. Sometimes it's just a minute or two and other times it can be an hour or more. Doug seems to be more successful in getting her back down quickly. I think she realizes she's not getting me and just goes back to sleep but he may have some secret that he's not telling. I'm still the only one who puts her to bed at night but Doug has done 3 Sunday's worth of naps so far so maybe he'll give in and try bed some night. I think it would be fine if I were just not here as works out for naps but I'm pretty sure there would be serious drama if she knew I was in the house.

The big kids are obviously out of school for the summer which lead to some confusion on Keeghan's part but overall she's pretty happy to have them home to play...and so am I for the most part. By the end of the day, however, I'm pretty done being touched and talked to and am really ready for some peace and quiet and bed. We've been to the beach a couple of times which I LOVE and Keeghan is coming to enjoy as well. She's not a fan of the ocean per say but will play in a hole in the sand with a bit of water in it for hours and the fact that she doesn't freak over sand anymore is good. We also made a trip to Chinatown and had some 4th of July fun here in town. So we're keeping busy. I hope to make it to a zoo or two this summer and maybe the aquarium as well but we'll see.

Thank you...

2009-07-08T20:16:00.005-04:00

That's Keeghan's new phrase. She says it mostly at the right time but will sometimes just randomly call out to you and then say "thenk you" in the cutest sing-song voice. I'll have to get it on video cause it's SO SO cute! I have a million other things I should talk about but I'm beat and I just wanted to put up a few new photos and blog about the thank you thing before I forgot.

Keeghan's way of eating oreos...peel in half...

...and eat only the middle...then give the cookie part to the dog!

So beautiful!!

And mostly happy : )

These pictures are from the other day (when it actually wasn't raining) out on our trampoline:

I played with the color on this one obviously...

She can somersault...and did it right off our bed this morning. Good thing Baba moves quick and caught her cause Mama had a heart attack!

Clapping for her Jie Jie's jumping skills

: p

Mischief!!

And cuteness!

4th of July

2009-07-04T13:44:00.003-04:00

Just some stuff

2009-07-01T11:47:00.002-04:00

For fun...

Keeghan has taken to calling me "mum mum" instead of mama. I think it's because she hears the other kids calling me mom. It's kinda cute but I'm afraid I'm going to end up Mom too soon and I'm not ready for that...I like the babyish mama better. On that same note, I love that she calls Doug baba instead of dada or dad and she still calls Devon gege. It's cute.

The big kids have been out of school for a week now and all it's done is rain. The weather here is getting a bit Seattle like and it stinks. Going outside is impossible even if it's not actively raining because everything is wet and gross. We're all a bit tired of one another at this point and summer just started.

Keeghan turns 2 at the end of this month and I don't think I'm ready for that either. It's hard to imagine that is was a year ago we first saw her face and decided to bring her home. 2 seems more "big kid" than baby. I'm still not sure how we're going to celebrate her birthday. I am thinking bigger party and Doug is not so on that bandwagon as he's afraid Keeghan will get overwhelmed. He has a point but I might just do it anyway and keep Keeghan close to me. We'll see.

I'm still feeling prisoner like. Keeghan does still get "off" if we are in a strange situation for a long time or mess with her schedule. This means I can't just pick up and do what I want. Driving anywhere more than 15 minutes or so pretty much guarantees the princess will fall asleep so I feel like I can't go anywhere too far unless I plan her nap around a drive and then, typically, it's not a good nap. I do get out here and there to work and some Friday nights with the girls which I really look forward to but overall, I still feel very stuck.

Keeghan loves sitting on the counter in the bathroom while I do my hair in the morning and will insist that I "do" her hair as well. And she'll ask me to put makeup on her too. Cute.

Keeghan LOVE the kittens but isn't so gentle with them. She has a terrible habit of picking them up by the neck so my mantra is "kitties stay DOWN".

Here I just have to end with something funny...Keeghan hates wearing a bib. The kids are having mac and cheese for lunch so I insisted on a bib and Keeghan kept taking it off. Devon, Kennedy and Carson decided they should wear bibs too in order to convince Keeghan to wear hers. Devon has on a pink love bug bib : ) There's no way I can take a picture to share as my 14 year old son would KILL me if I did that but I'm sure you can picture it. SUCH GOOD KIDS!

Hand Picked

2009-06-24T12:59:00.004-04:00

When we first announced that we were bringing Keeghan home I talked a bit about how a waiting child adoption from China works, but I've been thinking lately that I would like to document the whole process of how Keeghan came to be ours. A "non-special needs" (NSN) adoption from China works like this...you send your dossier (lots of paperwork) to China with specifications of the sex of the child you'd like to adopt and an age range, the paperwork goes through the "review room" to be sure it is all in order (and sometimes you are asked questions when your dossier goes through review) and then when your log in date (LID) comes up you receive a referral. China matches families based on their requests (though those requests are only requests and you could certainly end up with a surprise) and it is said they often look for a similar facial characteristic or shared birthday or some other commonality between the referred child and their new family. So, basically, you get a child picked for you.

Waiting child (special-needs) adoptions work differently. It used to be that China sent lists of specific children to agencies and you could adopt a child on only your agencies list. There were some occasions of people getting files of children to their agencies but overall, unless a child was on your agencies list, you had to switch agencies (NOT a good plan) or wait. Then, early in 2008 China came out with what is referred to as a "shared list". It is a list of waiting children available for adoption. The list is updated, generally, monthly and any agency can look at the files of the children on the list. Here's where things get tricky...now you've got agencies all over "competing" for children...younger children with less severe needs go quickly. When you decide to adopt a waiting child you need to think long and hard about what different needs you are willing to take on. We created a list (in March of 2008) of things we felt comfortable with but obviously you can't anticipate EVERY possible condition that may arise. Our agency happens to handle this process very fairly and well. We figured we'd be waiting a while to find a "match".

It was late of July last year (7/23 a Wednesday to be exact)when I received an e-mail with a list of children waiting to be adopted. It was 3 pages long. I cried. So many children waiting for families...I asked Doug if he'd gotten this e-mail but apparently it had only come to my e-mail address. I showed it to him that night when he got home. We looked through the list for younger girls (it only listed birthdate, sex, and what their special need was though many of them were listed as "multiple needs" or "other disease") with conditions that we thought we understood and found 3 children that we wanted to ask about. We figured this would be good. We could ask some questions and start to get a handle on how this would all work. One of the children had spina bifida and some other needs and we knew we couldn't handle that. Of the other two girls...one had congenital nanophthalmos and microcornea and one had congenital malfunction of lymphatic vessels on her right side. We started researching...found the first child had, basically, a small eye and probably was blind in the affected eye and that the lymphatic disorder was crazy rare and we were going to have trouble figuring it out. The first few bits of info I found showed photos of kids with HUGELY swollen faces but not much else. We decided to keep researching and after a few days sent some more specific questions to our agency. We learned late on Friday afternoon that the little girl with the eye problems was affected in both eyes and was totally blind which shut that case for us. We felt like total blindness was too much. Along with that information was the offer to send us the file of the other little girl to bring to a physician. Doug spoke to an international adoption physician and we decided we wanted to see the file of this child.

I tried calling our agency at this point but the number I tried had come out of an e-mail and a few numbers had been transposed by accident so I sent off an e-mail. My phone rang a few minutes later and it was the social worker at the agency. She was sending us the file and described the pictures that were with it so I could imagine what her hand looked like. PICTURES!!??? Oh man...did I want to SEE this little girl? Was I going to just fall in love and not be rational anymore??? The offer was made to blur her face out but I decided that if I was looking at photos I would look at all of them and keep myself neutral. We still had a lot to learn and we couldn't make a decision on cuteness alone. So at 4:30 on Friday 7/25/08 I opened medical files, orphanage reports, and photos of the little girl who was meant to be mine. Doug was home from work at this point so we looked at all of this together, contacted our pediatrician and sent her files along to him to review. The weekend was spent contemplating, questioning, researching, and wondering. Come Monday we had a few more answers and many more questions. I think at that point Doug and I both pretty much knew we were going to bring this little girl home but needed to debate it some more. We decided to somewhat involve the kids in this decision as it would mean some serious money crunching and I remember talking to the girls about the baby that would become their sister and Kennedy crying. Not one of them hesitated a minute when I explained if we brought home this baby that we would not being going on a cruise we had scheduled, dinners out and fun stuff would be almost non-existent and I would be at work WAY more than they were used to. They all said...go get our sister.

I know I posted that Doug and I made our final decision as I was on my way to work one night and he had 20 girls at our house tie dying t-shirts for soccer...so true to our way of doing things! We were up late that night (7/30...the day after Keeghan's 1st birthday) writing a letter asking to be Yin NianShuang's parents. It's very strange to go back and think about how all of this played out. Opening that document with SO many children waiting for families was heartbreaking but I never imagined finding our daughter there. Here we are not even a year later with our new daughter home six months already. I can't imagine our lives without Keeghan...she's perfect.

2009-06-23T14:07:00.002-04:00

Keeghan rocking her sit and spin!

Middle School Graduation

2009-06-22T12:51:00.004-04:00

Such a good brother to share his cereal!!

Devon "graduated" from middle school this morning which now officially makes me the Mom of a high school freshman...we got a purple pawprint sticker and everything (the mascot to our high school is the purple panther). The ceremony took a good two hours and Keeghan did ok. I walked around with her a bit and Doug tried a ton to have her sit with him or just keep her occupied but she still prefers me. Anyway...here's a few pictures, I'm feeling old and need a nap!

HELP

2009-06-20T21:17:00.002-04:00

Keeghan is working on becoming more vocal. She has plenty of words, it's just very unfortunate that we only understand about 10 of them. Normally, I can figure out what she wants/needs by what she is "saying" and other cues that are going on. In the car, however, when we're all buckled into seat belts (and the Princess in her seat) and I'm often trying to drive, trying to figure out what Keeghan needs becomes infinitely more difficult. I try to talk and sing with her and make sure she has a book or small toy, juice and a snack whenever we're in the car. Unfortunately, though, once Keeghan is done with whatever she's got or if she wants me to "read" a book to her she will repeat over and over and over and over and over (you get the idea) some phrase (that I don't understand at all) until I somehow hit on what she wants. If I get it right in the first five or six repetitions we're ok. After that, however, her voice becomes louder and louder and the pitch higher and higher and the screeching just doesn't stop. I can try and distract her (and the other kids do too if they're in the car) but there is just no stopping this incessant repeating screech of a phrase that I don't understand. I have NO CLUE what to do at this point and I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up driving off the road at some point if I don't figure this out because it is IMPOSSIBLE to listen to. Any ideas???

Before I forget

2009-06-19T20:33:00.002-04:00

I was out with just Keeghan and Carson tonight running a few errands. Keeghan listens pretty well when I let her walk with me in a store or whatever so I don't mind letting her walk. When you let her walk without holding your hand she swings her arms with such enthusiasm...so cute! Not just a small back and forth motion, her arms fly! I don't know if it's the freedom of not having to hold onto anything or just that she likes the sensation but it's a habit I've noticed a bunch of times but something I'm sure I'll forget if I don't blog about it so I wanted to get it down in writing before I forgot : )

And P.S. Happy Birthday to Kennedy today!!